Super-Mini, One-Size-Fits-All Fairy Tale

Muse, Apr 2004 by Kangas, Nancy

Once upon a time, there was a sweet little girl named Little Snowygoldycinderpunzel, whose mother had died and whose father was kind but desperately poor. One day the kind father said, "Little Snowygoldycinderpunzel, I cannot afford to feed you anymore. Plus, your name is way too long. Take this cow and go into the deep, dark woods and, I don't know, make the best of it. Oh, and can you drop these cakes and fine wine off at Grandma's?"

So, off went Little SGCP, cow in tow, when who should they come upon but a very ugly frog.

"Let me come with you," whined the very ugly frog, "for I am unemployed."

"Hop on," said the generous cow.

"How 'bout me?" said a golden goose, coming out from the bushes. "Same reason."

"Hop on," sighed the very ugly frog.

The humble group traveled on until they came upon an amazing castle in the woods.

"Let's chop it down with an ax!" cried the frog.

"Let's huff and puff and BLOW it down!" suggested the cow.

"Let's nibble it!" squawked the goose.

"You guys are a bunch of ANIMALS," said Little SGCP with disgust. "C'mon, let's peer in and see who lives there."

And lo, inside they saw a beautiful long table, laid with a gorgeous white cloth, and set with bowl after bowl of porridge. Seeing no one about, the gang crept in and-nearly out of their minds with hunger-forgot their manners and started taste testing.

"Ouch! Too hot."

"Blech! Too cold."

"Yick! Too salty."

Etc., etc.

Until Little SGCP tried one and said, "This one's just right, I guess. But I don't even like porridge."

Unbeknownst to the "guests," a mean warty giant had been asleep in the corner. He woke up with a start and bellowed, "Hey-have you guys got any bones? I need to bake some bread."

As his giant footsteps came nearer, Little SGCP suddenly had an idea: she kissed the warty giant-who suddenly turned into a handsome prince! The cow thought, "What the heck?" and kissed the very ugly frog-who turned into ANOTHER handsome prince.

"Here goes," said the goose, who planted one on the cow. POOF-a THIRD handsome prince.

"O.K., time for you princes to go out and seek your fortunes," said Little SGCP. "I've heard there's a bunch of straw and sticks and stuff down the road."

And with that, off they went (wee wee wee). The goose started laying golden eggs, which made Little SGCP rich, so she started a glass-shoe business, which employed seven dwarfs, and all the bad people died, and all the naughty children remembered their manners, and everybody we're talking EVERYbody-lived happily ever after.