contest winners

Muse, Jan 2005

FRACTURED FAIRY TALES

Way back in April 2004 we asked you to write a parody of a well-known fairy tale. Then we got distracted by other things, and a lot of time passed. At long last a handsome prince woke us with a smooch ... just kidding. We're finally getting around to publishing some of your entries in this issue. We're not calling them winners this time, because there were so many great parodies we couldn't really choose. It would have been splitting hairs ... long, long hairs dangling from the window of a tower surrounded by briars. Sorry. Momentarily lost it. So we put two entries here, and some more on www.cricketmag.com (click on "For Kids" when you get there). If you don't find your story on that site but would still like to see it posted on the Web, have your parents email contest@musefanpage.com granting permission, and we will post it at www.musefanpage.com.

Snow White and the Nine Dwarves

Once upon a time there was a princess named Snow White who was quite dense, so when her evil stepmother told her to get lost in the woods, she did. Now, Snow White was a beautiful young woman, with long eyelashes and long, black hair. She always wore a red dress because she was so silly. She would not put on any other clothes. But her beauty made up for all her flaws, and that is why certain dwarves who had met her wandering in their forest made her their servant.

This story begins in the dwarves' home while Kokopelli was making a trap in case any unwanted visitors came along. "All I need is one more banana-cream pie and I will be all finished," the dwarf was saying.

"Really, Kokopelli," said the head dwarf Mimi. "You really don't believe any unwanted visitors will come, do you?"

"They could," Feather said, adjusting his fake beard.

"Yeah!" Pwt panted as she chased Crraw around the cramped house. "That is what Hansel and Gretel did-gotcha!" She had captured the crow-dwarf in her net.

"Alas, alas!" cried Crraw. "I will be killed / By this lady ferocious / I should have been born / A bit more precocious."

"What does 'ferocious' mean?" Snow White asked, her forehead wrinkling in puzzlement as she dusted the mantel.

"Be quiet!" Kokopelli launched one of his banana-cream pies at her.

Chad, sensing trouble, stood up from his chair. "I think I'll go write an article for our magazine," he said.

"I'll join you," Bo told him. "I need to finish my 'How to Chew and Stare into Space' article." She tried to stand up, but her beard tangled her legs.

Kokopelli laughed.

Bo snorted. "You wouldn't find it so funny if you had four legs." She stalked out.

"I'll help you write, I guess," Urania said hurriedly, and ran after the cow-oops, dwarf. "Come on, Aeiou." Feather, Kokopelli, Mimi, and Aeiou (tripping over her fake beard) followed Urania out the door.

Pwt picked up her bundle of captured crow-turned-dwarf and turned to Snow White. "Don't forget to wash the pots," she said, and then went out the door.

Snow White looked at the dirty pots and sighed. "They are so dirty," she said in her squeaky voice. "I will never get them clean."

"Yoo-hoo, anybody home?" called a mean voice. A footstep sounded on the doorstep, then in walked Snow White's stepmother disguised as a peddler! "Hello, pretty girl!" she cooed at her stepdaughter. "You need some dish soap, don't you. I just happen to have some here."

"Who are you?" Snow White asked as Stepmother pulled a box of soap from her bag.

"A poor, traveling peddler," Stepmother said slyly. "Won't you buy this?" She held out a green box. "Come, come, you needn't be afraid. I would even give it to you for free!"

Snow White took it and poured it onto the pots. "It looks like fun to play with!" she shrieked. But she had barely touched the soap before she fell down to the floor, to all appearances dead.

Stepmother cackled as she left the house, but triggered Kokopelli's just-completed trap and was smothered to death by banana-cream pies.

A few minutes later, the dwarves, minus Pwt and Crraw, reentered the house, Kokopelli overjoyed to see that his trap had succeeded. "Look at poor Snow White!" Urania said softly. "She's dead!" All of them began crying.

"We should stop," Mimi sobbed. "Our disguises are coming off because of the dampness." But they went on crying and crying until they heard a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Bo asked.

"Me," a man's voice said ominously, as he stepped into the room. Frightened, all of the dwarves dove for cover.

"It-it-it's the MUSE Cartoonist!" Feather stammered from behind Bo, who was attempting to hide all six of the remaining "dwarves."

"I have been looking for-"Mr. Muse Cartoonist stopped and stared at Snow White. "Oh, what a beauty!" he cried, kneeling beside her. "Oh, what grace."

"EWWW!" Kokopelli cried with disgust as they smooched.

Snow White came back to consciousness. She stared up into Mr. Muse Cartoonist's face and fainted again. The Cartoonist picked her up and glared at the Muses. "I will come back for you later, you runaways," he said sternly.

"But we don't like you,"Kokopelli said, pouting. "You make us do things we don't like. Maybe for once I'd like to throw a cherry pie!"