Letters That Started It All, The

Muse, Sep 2005

Dear Muse,

I am SO sick of this. My subscription renewal was slightly late, so I guess I must have missed the beginning of the whole "pink bunny" thing. It has been several weeks (or months; I'm not exactly counting) now, and I can't take it anymore. What is the big deal about the STUPID PINK BUNNIES!!!! Man, it is nice to get that out of my system. Really. I think everyone who missed that one would appreciate a little recap.

Thank you,

Lyrin, age 14

P.S. I really like your magazine, and I would hate to have it ruined by one missing piece of information.

P.P.S. "Lyrin" is not my real name. I just like it so much better.

To Muse,

Directed to Pinkus Bunniesloverus,

I don't like girly animals, especially PINK BUNNIES! And pink? Yurgh! Our holt has banned all pink clothing, or anything else pink for that matter (including bunnies)! We otters despise pink. First, it shows you up in the woodlands, when you are trying to move unnoticed. Second, it is easily spotted by pike under water, scores of which inhabit the water in the lake our holt is on. And, also, when a beast is hunting fish, and the hunt is on, the fish'll see the pink, and Zippo! It's gone! If Brookflow otters wear pink or are discovered with a pink object in their possession, they are forced to stand with their foot paws in a bucket of cold water and their paws tied to the ceiling (incredible! I spelled that right), and they have to stand there a day and a night. Oh, and they are also deprived of all hot root pepper (an otter's favorite seasoning) (in anything) for two-score days. My friend Mada persuaded my father, Siug Widestream, to allow us to paint the archery target pink. The ultimate insult! We shoot clothyard shafts from our longbows at it all day! Hahahahaha! Yeheeheeheehee! Death to pink! WideStreaaaaaam!

Irately,

Sian Silverrudder of Holt Widestream, daughter of Siug Widestream

P.S. Publish this, for the world needs to know how despicable pink is.

Greetings, Muse magazine,

I am the infamous . . . or is it famous? "Desert Fox" writing you to attempt to prevent the destruction and annihilation of the nation of pink bunnies. The poor creatures are being persecuted by so-called men who loathe them for no reason at all. The bunnies cannot help existing since they eat the words "please do an issue on cats/dogs/naked mole rats," and in this way obtain their hot-pink color. It is impossible to stop this behavior, which has continued since before time. Thus, I, the reincarnated and reformed Erwin Rommel, am proud to help defend this civilization. Some may think, "In an age of jets, lasers, and custard pies, we can certainly defeat those pink-bunny old-school wrecks." This is untrue; though our tanks, weapons, and aircraft are outdated, we will win, or cost the attackers much pride at the least. Why? The forces of Pinkbunnyloverus (excuse spelling) are fighting for the lives of their sisters, fathers, cousins, and kin, and even in the face of vast humiliation will not turn tail in battle. Though your men may be equipped with pie throwers, indigestion-causing donuts, and deafening rap musk, they will run when faced by our gallant . . . um . . . bunnies. Muse readers, unite against a foe who will stop at nothing to wipe out a community of pacific bunnies. Bravery and tactics will make the result costly for the aggressors, but without you we will eventually lose. Only with your help can we prevail, for bravery alone will not save us. And to those who oppose our land, be warned, our Wirbelwinds, Jagdpanthers, and coffee makers are all ready to resist your aggression. Whether on the shores of our country or the blue skies overhead, we will fight for the survival of civilization as we know it. Now I appeal to you, dear Muses: Do not trust the promises and lies of the aggressors. On my word as a master strategist, we do not wish to fight. With your help we can make this conflict nonlethal or even nonexistent. Koko and Chad could invent pie launchers to use in times of war. Or maybe the Muses could form a committee to end this conflict. Let us lead with the dove of peace before the eagle of war.

Avanti! Lead the way! A moi! I have not yet begun to fight! For the Motherland! To arms! Into the breach! We shall fight on the landing beaches, we shall fight in the fields, we shall fight in the cities, we shall fight from the hills! We shall never surrender!

In resignation,

Erwin Rommel

Typed by Seaver Wang, Bunnyland, Antarctica

(To be read with passion)

Hot-Pink Bunny,

From the very first time I saw your unnaturally pink, but beautiful, face, I knew you were the one. I have made a list of adjectives that describe you:

Cute, Funny, Adorable, Fuzzy, Hot pink, Good-looking

And many more. If I listed them all you wouldn't print my letter, would you? Now that I am starving of hunger, I shall go eat some gumbo. Even though I don't like it very much.

My love, I will write again. But until then (dramatic pause), I will be eating an apple.

Rachel G, age whatever it takes

Minnesota

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