Why life as the other woman isn't so easy

0 Comments | Sunday Herald, The, Apr 25, 1999 | by Gabriel Roberts

They're painted as scarlet women, home wreckers or bunny-boiling psychos. However, discovers Gabriel Roberts, mistresses need support too Our rendezvous is in a quiet coffee lounge of a hotel which has views of Hyde Park surely the sort of place a man would take his mistress? "No such luck," laughs Jordan Hayes. "To be honest, we're more likely to meet at home with some pasta and a bottle of wine."

Hayes, 53, is a mistress, but she is at pains to point out she is not a bunny-boiling psycho of the Fatal Attraction variety. She was 29 when she first met her married lover. They were together for five years and then she ended it. Nine years later they met again by chance and the relationship resumed. A decade later and they still see each other about once a week. She has never met her lover's wife and presumes she knows nothing about the relationship.

Hayes describes what she has as a "parallel marriage" and says: "My lover sees me as I am and not all 'mascaraed up'. He's even seen me in my rollers!" The reason Hayes, from Surrey, is willing to share her hidden life is because she and fellow author, Heather King, from Bedfordshire, have written a book about their experiences called A Guide To Surviving Life As a Mistress. King, 43, was a mistress for five years but the relationship recently ended at her instigation. "I suppose it ended with my realisation of how hopeless the situation really was," she says. The two women met at work. Hayes says: "Like any friendship we discussed what we were up to and where we were going. We were both suspiciously available at weekends! Heather invited me round one day and just asked me outright if I was a mistress. My admission meant we both had a sounding board because we were experiencing many of the same confusions and problems. The book is trying to offer people the benefit of all the mistakes we have made." Anyone expecting to read an attack on men or an apology for mistresses is in for a big surprise. The book certainly cannot be said to recommend life as a mistress, but it does offer emotional support and practical advice for anyone who has made the decision to accept life as "the other woman". King says: "We are not saying 'Go out and be mistresses', we are just trying to help women already in that situation. It is about taking a hard look at the relationship and themselves. If someone really does want to stay then we don't judge them, we try and support them. "The majority of mistresses are women who fall in love with a man who happens to be married. Most women do not set out to break up a marriage. They assume there must be something wrong with the relationship in order for the man to stray. Often this is simply not the case and the man has no intention of ending his marriage." Hayes and King spoke to dozens of women about their lives as mistresses. "It was so incredibly easy to find people to talk to us. In fact, we couldn't shut them up," says King. "Writing the book was an emotional experience. It forced us to realise that however unique we felt our relationships were, they weren't unique in terms of relationships that were extra-marital." King says her former lover told her he was married on their third date. "He said, 'By the way, I'm married and I will never leave my wife.' I was absolutely shocked but, like many mistresses in that situation, I still hoped and trusted that this was an important relationship." Both men were informed about the book. King says: "At first they were pleased, then maybe a bit afraid, and certainly less enthusiastic as publication grew closer. We said from the beginning that we would not hurt them - after all, we love them. It's not a revenge trip in any way. It wasn't easy to do, though, because we had to put our own lives under the microscope and there were a lot of things we didn't want to find out about." Hayes believes the book has changed her life. "Before, I was a victim. I didn't think I had any rights. In writing the book I do accept that the man is married, but he also has a relationship with me which is not casual or trivial. It is one that brings great joy to both of us. "Because of what I learned about the way men think I accept he is probably never going to leave his wife for me. I have made a decision to stay with him - but at least now it is an informed decision." Neither women have had children, although they both wanted to. However, they wanted them with their lovers and were not prepared to 'accidentally' get pregnant, viewing this option as a betrayal both of the lover and the unborn child. According to Hayes and King, an affair only needs three ingredients. Firstly, meeting someone where your attraction to them outweighs your commitment to fidelity within the marriage. Second is the opportunity to meet that person and third is the confidence that you can get away with it. Says Hayes: "If you get those three things simultaneously, then an affair is extremely likely." They also talked to married mistresses and discovered that these women were much more likely to leave their husbands for their lover. King says: "Most men are able to compartmentalise their lives and women are not." It does have to be said, however, that both women appeared able to push the wife into the background of their consciences. Hayes claims they are simply looking for understanding: "You know, not all mistresses are bad, and not all marriages are good." A Guide to Surviving Life as a Mistress by Jordan Hayes and Heather King, published by Robert Hale, #12.99.