big gob

When I said a quick pint, I meant it, dammit. Neil Bennett demands pump action. Fast

IN CANADA it's not just the lumberjacks who are okay. The bar staff are pretty great as well. I've just spent ten days there, drinking in pubs where you are made to feel like the most important person in the world. And the Canadians aren't just doing it for the tips. They're weaned on this mentality, drinking it in like moose's milk.

Things are different in Scotland. Back from Canada, I met some friends in a pub. It wasn't busy but it took me 20 minutes to get served. Surely this isn't what's meant by a long vodka? Let's face it, pulling a pint of lager and pouring a G&T is not rocket science (if it was Stephen Hawking would work in the Physics & Firkin).

There was just one other sad, unfulfilled customer at the bar, trying to catch the eye of the scruffy teen working the pumps. After about ten minutes he was served the wrong drinks. He pointed out the mistakes, an uneasy atmosphere followed and she eventually poured two new drinks. He thanked her and sat down.

The guy would probably have torn a strip off that girl if only he hadn't been sick. The poor schmo had a bad dose of noncomplainingitis, that peculiarly British ailment with symptoms which include chronic fear of causing a scene.

Well I wasn't going to be a sufferer. Mustering my newly developed transatlantic confidence, I took a deep breath and firmly but politely informed her of my request for a pint. She ignored me and carried on cleaning glasses. Never having been afraid of stooping to sarcasm, I decided to ask her if I was invisible. "Wot?" she grunted, dropping the "t" like a firebomb on Dresden.

My resolve went up in flames. I meekly asked again for a pint and slunk away from the bar. I had caught noncomplainingitis. Its highly infectious and the only cure is to complain loudly until you get the service you pay for. Let's take a leaf out of Canada's book. Maybe it's got something to do with the Mounties, but they always get their dram.

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