WE LOVE pet shop boys

Sunday Herald, The, Jun 3, 2001

What have they, what have they, what have they done to deserve it?

How about being the finest British songwriting duo since Johnny Marr and Morrissey?

Anything else?

This month sees the opening of their absolutely fabulous new musical, Closer To Heaven, which is said to feature drugs, kinky sex and cracking tunes. Starlight Express it ain't.

Is that why they've been in the papers so much?

Yes - which, seeing as Neil Tennant is the smartest man in pop, can only be a good thing. "I was absolutely appalled to see the clothes endorsements that Popstars got," he said witheringly. "If I was the manager I'd be saying, 'God, those clothes look terrible, you look like something out of a catalogue.'"

Can I see them on tour soon?

Only if you live in the States. The Shoppies are about to headline a major gay package tour, also featuring Soft Cell and Sinead O'Connor. Taking its lead from the US indie package tour Lollapalooza, the Shoppies' jaunt has the delicious name of - wait for it - Wotapalava.

But surely there must be a reason to hate the Pet Shop Boys?

Their musical has inspired Boy George to write his own. Nooooooo!

WE HATE ... ELTON JOHN Why d'you hate Sir Elton?

Crikey, where do we begin? Let's start with Reg's most recent misdemeanour. Reports reach us that he's recording a duet with Bob The Builder, the artist behind last year's biggest hit. Rock is officially dead.

What are they recording?

The duo plan to cut a new version of Elton's 1972 hit, Crocodile Rock. The song will appear as part of a Bob The Builder Christmas special, which will feature puppet versions of Elton and the equally lovely Chris Evans. Come Chrimbo, it'll be number one and our lives will become an unbearable hell.

This isn't the first time Sir Elton has sung with puppets, is it?

Indeed not. His last album featured duets with Robbie Williams and Ronan Keating.

What else has the be-weaved irritant been up to?

Well, he failed to turn up for his scheduled appearance on Have I Got News For You. Apparently he was "too tired". Here's news for you, Elton. We're all tired, mate. Tired of you.

But surely there must be one reason to love him?

Umm. Keep it to yourself, but Your Song was pretty good. If you tell anyone I said this, however, I'll deny it.