Mammary mia! Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine return with a

0 Comments | Sunday Herald, The, Sep 8, 2002 | by Words Vicky Allan

I get a surprising pang of sympathy. Far from lounging in her boudoir, at the time of our interview, perhaps the 39-year-old had been sitting at home having quality time with Joe (two years old) and Esme (a year). "It was just a misunderstanding," she says. "It was the one day off that I have had in six weeks, apart from weekends, and I just had to be with my kids. My son goes back to school next week and it's the one time."

Actually, I can't help liking both these women. They come across as a little bit unhinged, a little bit posh (or at least upper- middle), but actually quite charming and disarmingly open. Trinny discusses her recent IVF treatment and two miscarriages. "It's all a learning curve," she says. "I lost one a few weeks ago. I'm very fatalistic that when things happen - and I've done lots of therapy to get to this point - they're meant to happen." It's only when I mention this year's Cannes Film Festival, that they clam up. While they slept in their hotel room, they were doped with chloroform and burgled. They woke in the morning, nauseous, even their rings taken from their fingers. "I don't want to talk about it," says Susannah. "It was a horrible experience and we've kind of tried to put it behind us."

I drop the subject. Actually, I like her too much to really push it, and the subject's so sinister. Besides, what I am really interested in is what they are like together? I run a few names of double acts by her. Morecambe and Wise? "Oh, I'm Morecambe," she says, "Because I'm bigger and I guess I'm probably more outspoken."

Bert and Ernie? (A friend of mine has a theory that everyone is either an anal, obsessive Bert or a laid-back Ernie). "I don't watch Sesame Street."

Well then, Kermit and Miss Piggy?

"Trinny's definitely Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy is so full of life and manic and mad, just like her." There's a theory that the best comedy double acts are based on physical polarity, a sort of Little and Large syndrome, with the tall guy often playing the straight man, and the little one, the joker. Trinny and Susannah have played up their polarisation. "You know," says Susannah, "that was probably the first thing you noticed about us, one's flat, the other's big."

The funny thing is, that's really all that's polar about them. They're both about the same height. Both have that dyed media semi- blonde hair. Both can be equally bitchy and funny.

But one's ecto, the other's endo, and in a programme like What Not to Wear, that's all that matters - it's what makes it work. "I'm jealous of Trinny all the time," says Susannah. "It drives me insane that she can wear anything and make it look a million dollars." But then, after a morning playing her role in TopShop, I already know that. I hate to admit it, but me too. Even as I leave, feeling bosomy and floaty and voluptuous in the nicest possible way, it's there in the back of my mind. Oh, to be Trinnyu What Not to Wear is on BBC2, Wednesdays, 8.30 pm. The accompanying book is published by Weidenfeld and Nicolson, (pounds) 12.99