Disnae on ice Michael Grant's survival guide to the winter shutdown

Sunday Herald, The, Jan 5, 2003 by Michael Grant

AS far as addictive substances are concerned, the Scottish Premierleague really shouldn't be as hard to give up as, say, crack cocaine. But try telling that to the poor, lifeless souls being dragged around the shops yesterday as a Saturday passed without any top- flight football. They're in for a rough ride because there will be another three - count them - until the Premierleague is dusted off to grind into life again with a Partick v Livingston game on Tuesday, January 28.

Don't think you'll be able to cope without your fix of Motherwell- Dundee or Dunfermline-United? Feeling shivery? Trouble breathing? Relax, it could be worse. At least you weren't asked to write the Sunday Herald's A-to-Z on how to survive the SPL's winter shutdown . . .

A is for adopt Follow the team you should be supporting in the first place. All you Old Firm gloryhunters from Stirling, Inverness, Ayr or Greenock - you know who you are - go and watch the local team you abandoned to jump on the Glasgow bandwagon. There is no closedown in the Bell's League, so you've no excuse for not going to see the game on your doorstep over the next few Saturdays.

- is for birthday cake Celebrate with Alex McLeish when he turns 43 on January 21. Or don't bother, if you don't like him.

C is for cold turkey See if you can live without football altogether. If they're taking a break, so can you. No television, no papers, no Teletext, no internet, no radio, no videos, no text messages, no football chats with the lads down the pub, no e-mails, no five-a-sides, no fantasy football, no football tune ringtones on your mobile, no Sky Dream Team, no Question of Sport. In other words, no exposure to anything which might reveal an iota of information about football.

It'll still be okay to watch Scotsport.

D is for don't panic The break's shorter than you might think. Read the back pages of the tabloids and it'll seem like Old Firm business as usual.

E is for England January will be a quiet news month, so expect to read "Old Firm reopen talks on move to Premiership" before it's over.

F is for friendlies Remember it won't be that long until your team are in action again. Celtic's next home game is against Feyenoord in only 17 days' time. Rangers play Al-Shabab in Dubai a week on Saturday. Aberdeen play Wolfsburg and Ajax in Portugal on January 12 and 18 respectively and Dundee play a President's XI in Trinidad, although that sounds like they may have accidentally arranged a cricket match.

G is for guess Try to work out how often you'll be bombarded with BBC Scotland trailers about the restart of league season, and how many times you'll be told that only they have the action "exclusively live".

H is for hang around Loiter outside the gates of Murray Park or the front entrance to Celtic Park, slack-jawed and dead-eyed, in the futile hope of getting an autograph from a Rangers or Celtic player so far removed from the action he's not even been taken on their mid- season tour.

I is for imagine Fantasise about how your team will look at the end of the transfer window, when they've had the chance to make several wonderful new signings. Not applicable to Celtic fans, who've already been told they're not getting anyone else.

J is for jeer Throw festive goodwill to the wind and boo England's kids when they compete with Spain, France and Switzerland in the Uefa's Under-17s Meridian Cup in Egypt. It starts on January 25.

K is for Korean badminton Do anything for you? How about International Cross Country running from Belfast next Saturday? Pretend to be interested in the diddy sports on the go at the moment. Best of the bunch is tennis's Australian Open from January 13-26, or the Super Bowl on January 26.

L is for leave You could always head off with your favourite team on tour. What better way to perk up your January, and demonstrate your loyalty, than with an impromptu trip? Celtic leave on Sunday for a week in Florida, Rangers go to Dubai, Hearts and Aberdeen are heading for the Algarve, Dundee are off to Trinidad, and Partick Thistle are bound for, er, Blackpool.

M is for Mickey Mouse cup Remember that talks are ongoing about launching a North Atlantic League Cup between northern Europe's diddy leagues, so that during future winter shutdowns Scotland's top four SPL clubs will play midweek games against the likes of Ajax, Porto and Brondby. Kind of like Celtic's friendly with Feyenoord, then, but with a plastic egg cup up for grabs.

N is for net Don't miss your favourite club's up-to-the-minute news by registering, paying any subscription fees, and then logging on every hour to official club internet sites like Celticfc.co.uk and Rangers.co.uk. At the end of the shutdown realise you haven't seen daylight for a month and your neighbours refer to you as a "loner". As a more rewarding alternative, set fire to (pounds) 10 notes in your living room.

O is for O'Neill Follow the Celtic manager's ongoing contract negotiations on a daily basis.