Lord of the ringtones: the true howlers; 10; of the best; ringtones

Sunday Herald, The, Sep 14, 2003

Sex And The City theme tune The single girl's ringtone. Most likely to be heard emanating from a Fendi baguette bag hooked over the arm of a 30-something. Not a ringtone you are likely to hear on the bus - long queues and high heels don't match, don't you know? And if the show's leading lady, Carrie Bradshaw, is anything to go by, then the mobile will be pink and sparkly.

The Pink Panther theme tune One for the comedians. The cult theme tune to the 1960s detective films starring Peter Sellers is a must have for all funny-men out there. A word of warning though - the comedian may be so busy re-enacting classic moments from his favourite film during this ringtone that he'll be loath to cut it short and answer the damn thing.

Big Brother theme tune The reality TV fan's ringtone. Its owner will most probably have dark circles under her eyes from watching the show until the wee small hours of the morning. Sadly not just heard during the show's 10-week summer slot, but all year round. Although it could be worse - have you heard the music that accompanies the Fame Academy credits?

Survivor by Destiny's Child One for all those who have recently been dumped by their significant other (especially popular with divorcees). Expect the phone's owner to greet the ringtone with a defiant look and a good deal of air punching and foot stamping. On the other hand, don't expect them to look like an oiled-up and beautiful Beyonce Knowles, pictured, marooned on a tropical beach.

Dr Who The sci-fi fan's ringtone. Favoured by those who admire the tinfoil special effects-type science fiction of the 1960s and 70s. Easily spotted by their stripey scarves and uncombed hair. Although sadly for the 21st century sci-fi fan, the mobile phone is far too small to double up as a Tardis.

Vivaldi's Four Seasons (Spring) The choice of the culture vulture. Most culture vultures may not care for technological devices such as mobiles, but those that do will probably opt for this little ditty for their ringtone. A phone with this tone says: "I'm up-to-date, but I still have a great deal of respect for the classics."

The Tweenies theme tune Preferred by tweenagers. It is, of course, a matter of national debate whether such young folk should even own a mobile phone, but in the event that they do, a sing-a-long ringtone would be the least offensive of their preferences. It's either that or Atomic Kitten's latest hit.

I Just Called To Say I Love You Stevie Wonder's classic romantic ballad is an obvious choice for all those still at the "isn't-love- great" stage in their relationship. This ringtone will be met with a lot of doe-eyed looks and phrases such as "I love you too sweetums" and "no, you hang up". Although not a ringtone that is suitable in all situations - when you realise the person on the other end of the phone is your bank manager expect a few minutes of awkward silence.

The Happy Wanderer The rambler's ringtone. Nature-loving, environmentally-aware types generally disapprove of mobile phones (the masts look ugly, nasty radiation), but for serious outdoors enthusiasts, a mobile is a necessity. However, when back among the concrete and traffic what better way for the rambler to remind himself of his favourite past-time than a themed ringtone? As soon as his phone rings the rambler will be transported back to his favourite world of tall grass and unadulterated wilderness. Bliss.

The Bright Side Of Life The optimist's ringtone. This classic cheery tune from Monty Python's film, The Life Of Brian, is guaranteed to make even the coldest of hearts melt just a little. The only tone that won't annoy people - in fact it's guaranteed to bring a smile to the face of anyone who hears it. But let your phone ring for too long and don't be surprised if everyone starts to whistle along.