Choice words on PM show McCHATTER IAIN MACWHIRTER

HELLO and welcome to Junior PM, the show where you, the people, choose the leaders of tomorrow and learn to love Gordon Brown.

Premium phone lines are open so you can start losing your money even before we introduce tonight's contestants.

First up, all the way from Bonnie Scotland is our couthy chum, Alex "Wee Eck" Salmond. Not so wee nowadays, eh Eck? Too many haggises, ha ha. What makes you want to be Junior PM?

"Well, having personally liberated Scotland from the yoke of English rule and provided a focus of leadership for the entire free world, I modestly believe I can make anyone, even Gordon Brown, dance to my jig."

Well, let's see if any of our other wannabes can match that fancy footwork.

Nick Clegg was relatively unknown until he became leader of the Liberal Democrats in December, since when he has lapsed into obscurity. What can you deliver, Nick?

"Well, as a fi ve-times-a-night kind of a guy, I think that I can show that I really have the equipment, in every sense of the word, to make it in today's thrusting political marketplace. Just give me the chance and I will guarantee satisfaction on the night." Er, yes Nick. Don't call us.

Next up: Labour's David Miliband - the Demented Millipede to his mates. No, ha ha, just a laugh. What could you bring to the job?

"Speaking entirely for myself, I believe that unique among the candidates here gathered, I posses the very real, and very deep, and very profound values, Labour values, which makes me the only man for the job when Gordon pegs it. Also, there's no-one else."

Our fi nal contestant is sleek Old Etonian Dave Cameron, an international used car salesman. Do you have what it takes to be Gordon Brown's apprentice?

"Look, I'm not interested in apprenticeships, I am interested in selling.

Selling myself. I live to sell and sell to live. There is nothing I cannot sell, even a bankrupt Conservative Party. Let me prove myself as project leader, I promise you won't regret it."

Now let's hear from our judge, Gordon Brown, Britain's most belligerent boss.

From humble beginnings in Fife, Gordon Brown has helped build up a political empire which has lasted for nearly 11 years. He has an explosive temper and can blow up at any minute.

"There's, eh, no-one like me. Uh. I'm, er, unique. And this is the job interview from hell. Uh. I'm the only person who can make this economy work. Uh, I've brought back infl ation, rocketing food prices, economic stagnation, petrol at 112p a litre and rising energy costs. With a record like this, what can I say, except Gordon, er, I'm fired."

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