HOT TO BEAT THE BIG CHILL RISING ENERGY COSTS MEAN MORE AND MORE

0 Comments | Sunday Herald, The, Nov 2, 2008 | by PAUL DALGARNO

PERSONALLY, I've never really cared about heating bills. I don't like the numbers: those six-digit gas meter reading figures do my head in, as does the sprawling customer account number, as does the gigantic phone number for emergencies. As a rule, I treat my unopened letters from British Gas as junk mail, or, at a push, as coasters for teacups. I don't know anyone at British Gas and so I don't care, or feel bad, about our dysfunctional correspondence. My direct debits spread like roots from my bank account and, as long as the trunk stays healthy, I feel no pain.

A few weeks ago that changed. Earlier this year, my monthly direct debits (GBP50 for gas and GBP50 for electricity) went up by a combined total of GBP16.

But what is that? Eight sandwiches from the works canteen? Then, two weeks ago, following news that energy prices would rise by about 35per cent (in addition to an average hike of 40per cent over the last three years) I opened an envelope in a state of morbid curiosity. My gas and electricity would each shoot up to GBP90 a month, a combined hike of about GBP64, or 32 sandwiches. Worst of all was the friendly tone of the letter, the reassurance that I needn't do anything, that British Gas would speak to my (now partly publicly-owned) bank to realign my payments.

Well, I would hope so. The indignity of robbing myself blind without any assistance from the highwaymen would be too much to bear.

Since then I've been looking at my roof, rueing the high tenement ceilings, thinking about those lowered, polystyrene-tile jobs that were popular in the 1970s. I've been thinking about those sausagedog- shaped draught excluders my gran used to have. I've been thinking about sealing off everything except the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen until the next spell of warm weather, which will likely be in late August or early September. Latterly, I've also been thinking about wearing woolly tights underneath my trousers, as I did as a young boy, to stop my knees knocking together with the cold.

I'm probably not alone. A new study by price comparison website uSwitch has revealed that 41per cent of customers are now "unhappy" with the "big six" energy suppliers (Scottish Power, Npower, EDF, British Gas, Scottish & Southern and E.On) compared with 33per cent last year. Only 45per cent - presumably with shares - said these companies offered value for money. The solution, even in a collapsing free market, would normally be to switch suppliers, but consumer watchdog Energywatch warned earlier this year that the big six resembled the oil cartel Opec and have us literally over a barrel. We can take it as read that the profits for British Gas (up from GBP95 million in 2006 to a staggering GBP571 million last year) won't benefit the company's 16 million customers any time soon.

Fuel poverty (defined as when the cost of keeping your house at 16C or higher eats more than 10per cent of your income) is on the rise. Last year there were approximately 650,000 Scottish households in fuel poverty. Government agency Communities Scotland has calculated that for every 5per cent increase in fuel prices, a further 30,000 homes join this poorhouse. Last year, almost 3000 people, most of them elderly, died in Scotland because of the cold.

All sorts of websites are falling over themselves to offer "handy tips" for reducing the bills: get your pipes clad, improve your loft insulation, fill your cavity walls. And then you have the "fun ways to keep warm" websites, which invariably revolve around having sex more often and more vigorously - impractical if you just want to warm your sitting-room for newly arrived visitors. There are government grants to help the low-paid, those on pensions, and those going the whole hog and installing super-efficient, eco-friendly heating at some exorbitant up-front cost. I spoke to my elderly neighbour, Nancy, about this while helping her down the stairs last week. Like 72per cent of older people, she had never heard of the government grants, and is coming to the end of a four-year, fixed- payment programme with her supplier. She seems more worried about the unsteadiness of her newly fitted hips than balancing her books, but that will change in time.

OF course, the elderly and poor are no strangers to cold. The boundaries have changed only in that this is now a problem being faced by the middle classes, those who grew up lounging around their centrally heated houses wearing boxer shorts at best, many of whom are now complaining about the abuse of their human right . to affordable warmth on demand. There is no government assistance for those on average, but not great, wages, such as journalists (and now that their tootsies are getting cold, you'll be hearing a lot more about this issue in coming months).

Perhaps things are returning to the way they always were. Until the age of 12, I, like many of my generation, would get dressed in bed, the curtains sometimes frozen to the windows, and then rush down to the fan heater in the kitchen. I distinctly remember someone - a great-aunt? - insisting that a cold house was a hygienic house, as if goosebumps and chilblains were a barometer of rude health. We can no longer take affordable heat for granted, unless wages rise to meet the price surge, and they won't. More likely we'll be chopping up the piano for firewood before this winter is out, I tell my wife. Hell, we might even enjoy it.