POP ART PAUL DALGARNO ON FATHERHOOD

1 Comment | Sunday Herald, The, Aug 16, 2009 | by PAUL DALGARNO

I'VE been reading the words of an Australian woman called Robin Barker, who wrote a book called Baby Love:

Everything You Need To Know About A New Baby, the cover of which trumpets "over 100,000 copies sold". I know Barker is Australian because it says so more than once in the blurb and introduction, the final flourish being that the book is "Australian, authoritative and totally up to date". Fine by me. It came from the colonies, with one of my wife's friends, and is now firmly marooned.

The book's index is badly rendered, meaning that headings don't always match up to the page numbers. You might be searching for hiccups but may well end up looking at nipple shields. And why not? Baby's first year is full of learning for all.

In Barker's book, all babies are female. You must lift your baby and gently place "her" in the bath. Sneezing is a good way for "her" to clear "her" nose. I've noticed this trend in baby books . . . this willing subversion. Are all babies female now? The majority . . . aye.

But shouldn't they all be "hes"? You must lift your baby and gently place "him" in the bath?

Sneezing is a good way for "him" to clear "his" nose? Yes, that sounds infinitely better. This is my daughter. He is a very nice girl. Yup. Scans nicely.

"It" is an obvious alternative, as in: "sneezing is a good way for "it" to clear "its" nose."

But "its" connotations are pre-Victorian . . . a throwback to the days when you might see a skeletal kid raiding your pantry on "its" tiptoes and start chasing "it" with your broom, trapping "it" in the corner and forcing "it" to hand back "its" crumbs on pain of death.

"Baby" of course would be the correct nomenclature, and the least controversial, but you can't well say, "you must lift your "baby" and gently place "baby" in the bath. Such a sentence would be preposterous and unedifying.

But there is a solution: "You must lift and gently place 'baby' in the bath". Or, even better: "Propel wean upwards, but no too shiftily, before dunking said torso in the tub."

But I do turn to Barker's book more than any other.

On the whole, parent planning books make me want to puke on passing strangers, or tear someone's head off . . . my own being the default setting. I like Barker's down-toearthedness, her appropriately matronly style.

My son is teething but I know "she" will be fine, that there are many myths around teeth, ancient belief systems, tribal folklore. I look at my boy and see "her" doing some of the things "she" is meant to be doing at this stage, howling "her" frustration, sticking "her" fingers in "her" mouth. She's a good boy.