Dilemmas: How can I stop my mother's violent outbursts?

Delia's mother has always been prone to violent rages, and until now it hasn't been a big problem. But now they're having an effect on her baby and five-year-old. Delia doesn't want to have to cease all contact with her mother, but what can she do?

VIRGINIA'S ADVICE

WHEN DELIA was a child, she was powerless over her mother's rages. She couldn't stand up, wag a finger at her mother and say: "Now look, mum, enough of this. It's got to stop. I don't care how you do it, whether you leave the room when you feel a rage coming on, whether you get professional help, whether you decide not to have these rages when you're with me... but enough is enough. Zero tolerance. OK?"

Delia's mum has probably never been spoken to like this before. And it will be interesting to see what effect a speech like this has on her. She could fly into another violent rage. In which case she should be unceremoniously bundled out of the house. (If she's really violent, then Delia should make sure there's another adult in the house while she's delivering this bombshell.)

Or she could, very easily, burst into floods of tears. Violent rages are nearly always indulged in by people who feel desperately, desperately, under threat. Nearly all anger and unpleasantness stems from fear, not innate beastliness. Arguing that "she's got nothing to be frightened of" is naive. People can be irrationally terrified of anything, from a mistaken assumption they're being made a fool of, to imagining that being thwarted on one tiny thing is just the tip of the iceberg, and will result in total powerlessness.

If just saying, "Let's go for a walk" reduces someone to a violent rage, you can be sure it's because at one point in their lives, this person's told you they don't like walking very much and has interpreted your innocent suggestion as, "I know you hate walking, but I couldn't give a pin because I don't give one fig for your feelings, so I'm going to suggest we go for a walk just to craze and madden you and show you how little I care what you want."

It's almost certain that at some level, Delia's mother will be grateful that someone has, at last, stood up to her. She must be as terrified of her rages as Delia and her children are. And to have someone say that these rages don't scare her, and that she's not tolerating them any more, might be very therapeutic. After all, unless this woman is seriously mentally ill, you can bet your bottom dollar that there are situations when these violent rages never erupt. She probably never throws them when sitting in a theatre audience, for example, or on a formal occasion like meeting the Queen. In other words, she does have the power to control them.

I've sometimes stood up to bullies and then found them to be enormously nice and kind to me afterwards. I've always despised them when this has happened. But I've been wrong. They're genuinely grateful that someone's prevented them from behaving badly and enabled them to feel better about themselves. They're relieved. The more people tippy-toe around them the more terrifyingly powerful they feel to themselves, and they get alarmed by the strength of their own feelings.

Delia should stand up to her mother for the sake of four people. The first is herself, so that she knows that she's no longer dominated by her mother'smoods. The second is her baby, so that it won't have to witness these outbursts when it grows up. The third is her older child, to set an example of how to cope with bullies. The fourth is her mother, who will almost certainly be grateful to find that she doesn't wield such evil power as she thought.

READERS SAY

Contact should be limited

Keep contact between your family (including yourself) and your mother to a minimum. This includes phone calls (install a caller- number display). Do not reward reasonable behaviour with extra visits. Make visits as a group with another adult as support. When your mother visits, invite another relative - this diverts attention from you and your family. Do not allow your mother to baby sit or consider taking her on holiday with you.

When a rage seems to be brewing show her the door or leave calmly and politely (a digital door lock prevents easy access). Limited contact is the only way to protect yourself and your children.

NAME AND ADDRESS

SUPPLIED

Talking clears the air

Could you try to get your mother to talk to your five-year-old and you about her rages? Try to get her to say sorry to the children and to you. If Granny can talk about them I would say she is less likely to go into one at a later date. Granny may feel that you are all against her and throw a rage out of desperation. She may be feeling very lonely and isolated, this could be because she can't vocalise how she really feels. It sounds as though there is not enough real communication going on in this situation. Are there inhibitions which need to be recognised and deconstructed?

JANE OSTLER

Frinton-on-Sea

Essex