The violent code of countryside conduct revealed

Miles Kington Remembered 8 APRIL 2004

When townspeople go into the country, they are often unaware of the countryside code. People who go and live in the country are usually unaware of it too. In fact, many people who have lived in the country all their lives often have no idea how to behave either. So today I have asked an expert in country living to answer everyone's queries and worries about manners and etiquette in the sticks.

Q. I have noticed that although bicyclists on the road are very careful about road safety, and keeping out of the way of cars, when they get on to a canal towpath, or a bridle path, they change character quite significantly. Suddenly, from being victims, they become road hogs.

They go too fast, they don't warn of their approach, and they have been known to knock people over as they pass by. What is the correct response to this sort of behaviour?

A. Jam your walking stick through their spokes as they pass. That'll learn 'em.

Q. I have a bird table in my garden which is regularly visited by all the normal birds such as tits and chaffinches, and occasionally by more exotic birds such as nuthatches and bullfinches. But recently it has also attracted the attention of a grey squirrel, who does his best to get into the nut-holder and make off with the best of the nuts.

I have heard there is some kind of spray which can deter squirrels. Perhaps there are even nut-holders which are proof against squirrels. Which would you recommend?

A. Neither. I'd shoot the little beggars.

Q. When I am out and about with my dog, a springer spaniel, I sometimes encounter other dog-walkers who look at my dog and say, "Are you working him?" To begin with, I didn't know what this meant. Then I found out that they wanted to know if he had been trained as a gun-dog. Well, I haven't trained him as a gun-dog, because I haven't got a gun and don't like shooting much, so what is the correct response?

A. You should tell them to mind their own bleeding business.

Q. I have recently heard strange noises in my bedroom chimney, which I thought for a while was the wind, or perhaps soot falling, but when twigs and little sticks started falling down the chimney into my grate, I realised it was jackdaws who were trying to build a nest in the chimney pot. So many little sticks have fallen down that I fear they are not making a very good job of nest construction. Should I put the sticks out on the lawn so that the jackdaws can retrieve them and have another go?

A. No. Put the sticks back in the grate, light a match and set fire to them. That should get rid of the little varmints.

Q. When I moved down to the country last year, we acquired along with the house a small barn at the back which I have only just now started exploring. To my surprise, I have discovered along with a lot of other machinery an ancient man-trap with those murderous jaws you sometimes read about but so seldom see in real life. I wonder if any country museum would be grateful for such a gift.

A. It would be wasted on a museum. They'd never get it back in working order. Best thing is to oil it up, free the rust and get the springs into action again. No reason why it shouldn't do its proper work round the estate again. I expect there are some namby-pamby health and safety regulations about the use of man-traps, but I wouldn't worry about that if I were you.

Q. My lawn has recently been invaded by moles. Should I...?

A. Dynamite. It's the only answer.

Q. You're a very odd sort of country expert, I must say. Do you really think that death and destruction are the only answer to all these problems?

A. Yes, I do. And so would you, if you had been a farmer as long as I have. Now be off with you, before I pepper you with shot, and don't let me see you on my land again.

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