Divorce hurts - and it hurts the children most of all

When my parents separated - I was 14 at the time - I remember the terrible mixture of horror and relief that I experienced. Both my parents were, in their own way, shell-shocked by what had happened, with very little room in their shattered lives to explain to me what was going on.

All I do remember is that when I went to school the next day, I was asked to sit outside the classroom while the headmistress spoke to the class about the situation. "Virginia's parents have separated," she said, apparently, to my class-mates. "I hope you will be very sensitive and caring towards her for the next few weeks."

In those days no one, but no one, had divorced parents. But these days one in four out of 12 million children have separated parents. And more often than not, the parents, at the moment of separation, not only are far too upset themselves to be able to think of the effect the separation is having on their children but they drastically underestimate the effect it's having on them. Even tiny babies can feel distress, though of course they can't express it - and that's why so many parents often imagine their children are unaffected.

But they're wrong. Which is why, today, Relate, One Parent Families, Families need Fathers and the Fatherhood Institute, aided by a special grant for the Big Lottery Fund, are launching a national debate, called Kids in the Middle, (you can join in by logging on to www.fatherhoodinstitute.org.uk), and they hope to be able to present their findings to the Government in the autumn in the hopes that more help is available for children of separating parents.

Occasionally, agony aunts band together to support a campaign - I think the last time we all got together was to support the abortion law - but this time everyone from myself and Deirdre Sanders, to Irma Kurtz and Bel Mooney, are all throwing ourselves behind this initiative, simply because we know, from letters we've received, the terrible damage that can be done to children when their parents split up.

A survey has already shown that 93 per cent of people believe that there is not enough help on offer for children of separating couples, and that services available concentrate too much on custody, contact and child maintenance, but don't address the issues of managing conflict and emotional damage.

The odd thing is that while everyone's in agreement that children should be protected from emotional damage, when you're in the thick of an unpleasant separation, it's very difficult to remember that the children's emotional health is paramount.

The result is that children whose parents separate can, first of all, feel incredibly lonely. Each parent is suffering, in his or her own way, and doesn't have enough emotional strength to support anyone else except themselves. Then, it's quite likely that each parent is blaming the other - without remembering that the children consist of each partner in equal parts. So every time a father rants about his wife's behaviour, he is, in effect, criticising 50 per cent of the child's genes, and each time the mother rants about the father's behaviour she is also criticising 50 per cent of the child's genes.

Small wonder that children feel confused, hated, and isolated. They feel, literally, torn. There is no one, unless they have a sympathetic grandparent, aunt, uncle, older brother or sister or, at a pinch, a teacher, to confide in. There is no one to reassure them that what is happening is not their fault, to reassure them that though their parents may loathe each other, each one does love them deeply.

Having probably endured the misery of hearing their parents arguing for months before the separation - or, equally stressful, suffered the unbearable atmosphere of silent tension - children of parting parents do not know to whom they can turn. They daren't show their misery at losing a parent to the one they're living with in case they unleash a flood of abuse or, worse, tears.

While the parents imagine the kids are coping "remarkably well", they're usually suffering agonies in silence, often even agreeing to suffer roles as little postmen between the parents just in order to keep a kind of peace.

If only solicitors, who are in the front line of witnessing parental rage and distress, could have somewhere to point the parents to send their children for help - of if only teachers could suggest to parents, involved in disputes, that counselling and sympathy were available for their children - so much agony and guilt might be spared children who often carry the scars of parental separation well into later life.

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