S is for Sex

I know a lovely boy, a regular in my local pub, 27 years old, good job, has own car, hair and teeth. I can't understand why he's single and I'm desperate to find him a girlfriend. In fact so is everyone else

round the bar. I'm not sure who cuts the sadder figure, my lonely pal, or the interfering cupids like me eager to see him hitched. Persistent match-makers must have a friendship death-wish. A close chum declaring in conspiratorial tones that "I've found the perfect guy/girl for you, you're gonna love him/her" is among the worst things you can hear in life.

And it's nearly always couples doing it, trying to palm their duff single mates off on to you. My friend Susanna is agitated by the subject. "More than once I've had a friend disappear off the face of the earth because she's got a new bloke and the next thing I hear, she wants me to pair up with bloke's best friend." Susanna thinks it's because the newly hitched chum feels guilty about no longer spending time with her. "It's just not good enough," she fumes. "Not only have I been neglected - I'm then expected to get off with some loser as well, to assuage someone's guilty conscience." Hmm. I won't be introducing my drinking buddy to Susanna, then.

Lucy and Andrew have set up Andrew's brother Tom with almost every girl of their acquaintance. Andrew thinks Tom needs a good woman. Tom agrees and thinks it's jolly decent of Big Bro to supply him with a constant stream of one-night stands. Lucy, meanwhile, is comforting another one of her girlfriends - the one she and Andrew were convinced would make an ideal Mrs Tom.

Tom's brother and sister-in-law think he should "settle down", but Tom reckons that Andrew is bored and has nothing better to do than try to put his roving days to an end, "by trying to get me married off to some dull mate of his wife's". Some hope - Tom is utterly charming but totally unfaithful. Which is what I told Lucy once, when she suggested I meet him for drinks. It's a Restoration comedy rat's nest, match-making.

Tom has a point about our motives for fixing up our friends. People seldom match-make purely out of altruism. The one and only time I was sent on a blind date was when my best friend Rachael wanted me to find out what her neighbour, a lifeguard, was like in bed. She had a boyfriend at the time, so couldn't do her own research. I fancied Lifeguard Boy, but he wasn't interested. Every time I saw Rachael - which was daily as we were at art college together at the time - I would whine, "Has he asked after me?" He never did. Ten years later, Rach confessed that she grew to dread bumping into me.

So remember, if you really like your friends, think very hard before fixing them up. Unless of course you know someone suitable for my friend in the pub. OK, so I lied about the age and the car. And the hair. But no, really, he's great, you're going to love him...

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