The Lost World of Michael Bywater: Who do you think you are?

Excuse me. Where do you think you are going? Oh, "just going to read the column", are you? I see. Well, I'm afraid it's not as simple as that. I'm going to have to see some identification.

Yes, I am quite sure you bought this paper legitimately. No, I am sure the newsagent didn't require identification when you placed your order. Under the new Glorious Homeland Protection Against Incursion, Subversion, Nasty Sudden Bangs And People Going About Thinking They Can Do What They Bloody Well Like Act 2004, popularly known as the Blunkett Law, I have...

Well, you may think it's a stupid law, Sir, but I am only doing my duty.

That may be your opinion, Sir, but I have to advise you that it is an offence to say so in public.

Why? I will tell you why, Sir. Comments like, "Oh yeah, and the guards at Auschwitz argued that they were only doing their duty, pal" may be construed as being potentially offensive and/ or inappropriate and likely to give reasonable grounds for offence to people likely to be offended by such comments, which are therefore prohibited under the Blunkett Act and therefore subject to summary conviction on-

No, I am afraid that you may not observe that "if Blunkett could see the looks on people's faces every time he opened his mouth, he might learn to keep it shut more often".

No, Sir, it is nothing to do with giving offence to blind people. It is to do with giving offence to Mr Blunkett.

Giving offence to Mr Blunkett's dog falls into the same category, Sir.

I am not prepared to argue with you as to whether there is anything to choose between Mr Blunkett and his dog, Sir. I am merely doing my job and I still need to see some identification.

No, Sir, I am not a policeman. I am an employee of a private security company licensed by Mr Blair's government to-

Sir, Mr Blair's government and her Majesty's government are one and the same and the company for which I work has been empowered to require that you show valid identification on demand before you will be permitted to read this column.

That is beside the point, Sir. You are obliged to read the press and/or watch the television, where this law has been clearly promulgated on three separate occasions in the past four days, in accordance with the law.

The Blunkett Law, Sir.

I am sorry, Sir, you may believe it is circular logic to pass a law requiring citizens to-

Very well, Sir, "free" citizens if you insist; it makes no difference to the fact that one of the provisions of the Blunkett Law is that citizens are obliged to familiarise themselves with the provisions of the Blunkett Law, one of which provisions is that citizens are obliged to familiarise themselves with all provisions of the Blunkett Law.

I am unable to comment on that, Sir, although I suspect it unlikely that Mr Blunkett has either the time or the inclination to do so.

I am sorry, Sir, but Mr Blunkett's dexterity is outside my remit. My remit is quite simply to require you to show a valid form of ID, ie one containing details of your name, age, place of birth, parents, medical history, employment history, record of taxes paid, record of National Insurance paid, credit history, travel history, dependents, state benefits claimed, criminal investigations whether resulting in charges or not, court cases irrespective of verdict, any complaints made concerning yourself or any of your dependents or associates whether or not proceeding to criminal investigation, whether-

Yes, Sir, as a matter of fact is is entirely possible that if enough complaints were made about you, you might indeed find yourself in prison, even though none of the complaints were ever upheld or found against you in a court of law. It is for your own protection, Sir. If your conscience is clear, you have nothing to fear.

Yes, Sir, I am aware that it rhymes. Mr Blunkett is insistent on rhyming slogans, Sir, as conducive to high awareness among the population which alas seems to have escaped you, Sir.

No, Sir, your passport is not acceptable. No, Sir, your driving licence is not acceptable. No, Sir, I am not obliged to offer you any identification. I am afraid I must ask you to hand over the bag containing the copy of the newspaper, Sir.

Sir? What is this in the bag? Would you remove it, Sir, and show it to me?

Is this a packet of cigarettes, Sir?

Please step into the back of the vehicle, Sir. n

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