Life etc: Who's the daddy?

Independent on Sunday, The, Jun 19, 2005 by Lulu Le Vay

This morning, over coffee and croissants " and, if they are lucky, while still tucked up in bed " millions of fathers across the UK will have been showered with gifts and cards for Father's Day. But for many, the consumer-led occasion has little to do with their relationship with their own fathers. Divorce, remarriage, adoption and a few family secrets can make the day a lot more complex.

Sheila, now 70, was just a toddler when her father left home. Twenty years later her mother bumped into him at a bus stop. 'I was living in Italy at the time when my mother wrote to me and told me about the chance encounter,' recalls Sheila, who lives in East Sussex. 'She gave me his address but I felt nothing, so I didn't get in touch.' It took another 10 years for Sheila to make contact, during the break-up of her first marriage. They met in a restaurant in Soho, London " the same restaurant he used to take her mother to when they were courting.

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'It felt incredibly superficial. I felt numb,' she explains nonchalantly. 'And after dinner he did the most ridiculous thing " he tried to hold my hand! I was a sophisticated woman, 33, not a little girl. It was all terribly embarrassing.' They met a few more times but the relationship halted when Sheila refused to call him 'father'.

'He had never been a father to me, so how could I possibly call him that? He was very disapproving " I never heard from him again. At the time, due to my failed marriage, I needed to release some feelings,' she says. 'I felt I had no structure, and that's what I was looking for. But what I learnt from the experience was that it wasn't him I needed to find it in, but myself. I was able to rebuild my life from then on.'

Ben, who's 38 and from east London, was 21 when his parents told him his father wasn't his natural father. The family unit was in a state of crisis due to his adoptive father's jilted lover calling the house threatening to reveal the secret. 'The strangest thing about being told something like that is realising you're not who you thought you were, but someone completely different,' says Ben. 'It was a huge relief. I'd never felt that sixth sense with my stepfather that I'd always had with my mother. We had nothing in common, never did anything together " and suddenly everything became clear.'

Ben met his real father a year later in an pub in Essex. 'It was like going on a blind date with your father', he recalls, chuckling. 'It was like seeing my mirror image " I looked just like him. We chatted about art and sports and we shared all the same interests. There was no declaration of love " he just happened to be the person who got my mother pregnant.'

Ben has met his father three times since, and his relationship with his stepfather has improved. 'I get on better with him now than ever before,' he says. 'When I look at him I feel nothing but respect. He treated me like his own and has always been there for me " who's to say my real father would have done a better job?'

According to Julia Feast, a consultant for the British Association for Adoption & Fostering (BAAF), Ben's experience is far from unique. 'Many people seek out their fathers as they want to complete the jigsaw, figure out a side of them that's unknown,' she explains. 'Reunions are full of emotional highs and lows, but the majority of them work out well. Even if they don't, people are still glad they did it as they've been able to access information on themselves.'

But many people also choose not to seek out their natural fathers, content with the family unit they've been given. Sarah, 60, from south London, offered her daughter Ellie her real father's contact details when she was just 10, and living with Sarah and her adoptive father. Ellie chose not to look him up. 'I felt it was important to let her know the truth and give her the option,' says Sarah. 'Ellie was pretty cool about it, and quickly decided it was an avenue she didn't want to pursue. She considered her adopted father to be her father, and was loyal to him up to his death four years ago.'

This is just one example of how the traditional, nuclear family unit has evolved in the past 30 or 40 years, since the taboos surrounding divorce and single parenthood began to melt away. Society has provided enough space to house a variety of paternal figures. And that process looks set to continue. By September, the Adoption and Children Bill, passed in 2002, which legally allows same-sex couples to adopt children, will be implemented by local authorities across the UK.

Meanwhile, the number of children who have 'multiple' fathers has continued to rise. John, 34, lives in London, but his nine-year-old daughter Sandy lives in Manchester with a blossoming family, which consists of mother, stepfather, younger half-sister and a brand new baby half-brother. Sandy sees her natural father twice a month, and is continually bragging in the playground that she has two dads.

'I can't say it's easy, but I have a good relationship with Sandy and she knows I'm her real dad,' says John. 'Her stepfather treats her like his own, and keeps her safe when I'm not around. We both love Sandy very much.'

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Life etc: Who's the daddy?

Independent on Sunday, The, Jun 19, 2005 by Lulu Le Vay

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