Danny's kicked off as Lee quits

THE PODIUM

Danny Cipriani lost the full-back berth for England v Scotland in yesterday's Calcutta Cup clash after he was snapped leaving a West End nightclub at midnight 48 hours before the game. He has dated the Cheeky Girl that Lembit Opik is not; his other conquests include a woman who turned out to have been a man. An airbrushed Princess Eugenie graced the cover of a glamour mag; Hasnat Khan revealed that Princess Di dumped him; and the Michael Martin expenses furore began to abate. Lee Jasper quit as Ken Livingstone's race adviser after the publication of steamy emails; Moses was "high" when he took delivery of the Ten Commandments; and Marion Cotillard apologised for suggesting 9/11 was a fabrication. Joss Stone is the new Flake Girl; Juan Pablo di Pace moaned his manhood was airbrushed into something smaller; and arms dealer Victor Bout was finally nabbed.

Danny Cipriani

Rugby player

Princess Eugenie

Princess

Hasnat Khan

Surgeon

Michael Martin

The Speaker

Lee Jasper

Race advisor

Moses

Prophet

Marion Cotillard

Actress

Joss Stone

Singer

Juan Pablo di Pace

Actor

Victor Bout

Arms dealer

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