Don't laugh, there's a man at the door from Harrods

Sunday Mirror, Jan 4, 1998 by Chris Hutchins

Harrods owner Mohamed al-Fayed clearly enjoys a bit of fun when it comes to celebrity journalism.

He regularly chortles over the activities of the "milkman" - a journalist sent to catch out the rich and famous on the doorsteps of their homes, usually at an unearthly hour.

I am told that the practical joke feature is the first thing Mr Fayed looks at when his copy of Punch magazine, which he owns and which is known in the trade as Alf's Organ, arrives hot from the presses through the Fayed letterbox.

The comedienne Victoria Wood (inset) is the latest victim of this cruel hoax.

In the very same week that she told another magazine about how she loves her fans and even invites some of them backstage for a drink and a chat, she was featured in Punch.

When the "milkman" arrived at her door she told him haughtily: "If you want to interview me you must speak to my agent. But I don't think so..."

Finally, she had to summon her husband, Geoffrey Durham, to get rid of al-Fayed's inquisitor at the door.

On a lighter note, many of his executives have been amused to see that Mr al-Fayed's earthy sense of humour is creeping increasingly often into the pages of his magazine.

The latest issue carries a story on which I am told the diminutive comic Ronnie Corbett frequently dines out.

According to Corbett, Lee Trevino was travelling in a lift when he happened to jab his elbow into the bosom of a well- endowed lady.

Deeply embarrassed, the golfer composed an eloquent apology: "I'm very sorry madam," he said, "but if your heart is as soft as your bosom you will forgive me."

With a glint in her eye the woman replied: "If the rest of your body is as hard as your elbow, my room number is 317."

That'll knock 'em dead in Cairo, Alf.

SECRETS

So now we know. When Princess Diana denied on Panorama that she had co-operated with Andrew Morton's book, film maker Sir David Puttnam knew she was fibbing. She had told him that she had "a problem - I have helped with this terrible book" even before it was published.

Only one cloud appears on the horizon for the multi- talented Spice Girls. Victoria, often wrongly criticised for looking fed-up, has a worrying skin problem handed down from her mother, who recently spent a week in hospital being treated for it. Indeed I am told that when Prince Charles heard he intended sending flowers, but one who bumped into Mrs Adams in a bus queue says she made no mention of a royal bouquet.

Nude in the sauna at a Los Angeles health club, George Michael was asked for his autograph. "And what do you suggest I write it with?" demanded the star.

Burning question from the current crop of TV commercials: Does Bruce Forsyth wear his own wig under the judge's one in the furniture store ad? Barnet police are investigating.

Speaking of which, what a fuss over the disclosure that if Cilla Black (right) didn't dye her hair she would appear on TV as grey as a badger. No one complains when the likes of Cliff Richard and Tony Blair black out their greying locks. What's good for the gander is surely good for the goose.

Elton John richly deserves his knighthood for persuading his fans and his record company to part with so much money in the wake of Diana's death. But how long must we go on waiting to hear Her Majesty say "Arise Sir Ken Dodd"? Few have given more pleasure to the nation than Doddy, whose reputation for over-running is such that when he was being tried for tax evasion it was estimated that if he got three years, he'd do five.

Needle match over

When Trainspotting star Jonny Lee Miller finds a new girlfriend she will be obliged to change her name to Angelina.

It's either that or Miller - Sickboy in the cult movie - will require painful laser surgery to remove the tattoo bearing his outgoing wife's name.

So acrimonious is the split that Angelina Jolie - she is the actress daughter of John Voight - has already decided to take the painful option of removing his name from hers. Now 23, Angelina married Jonny three months before her 21st birthday. She wore black rubber pants and a white shirt with her intended's name inscribed in her own blood.

"Right now I'm not living as a married woman," she says. Angelina, who met Miller when they were both appearing in Hackers, concludes: "Now we're both busy growing up."

Not before time.

CHARLIE IS THEIR DARLING

Still angry with me for disclosing that he took his then girlfriend Josie Borain to the private family burial of his sister, Princess Diana, Earl Spencer can take some comfort in an unlikely accolade he has picked up in South Africa.

More popular there than in his homeland, Charles the angry earl has been named the second (after Nelson Mandela) most eligible man in the country.

In the wake of divorcing his wife Victoria, the South African edition of Cosmopolitan says Spencer is not only "very available," but "very rich and very well-connected."

Meanwhile, James Hewitt's claim that his life was threatened by MI5 over his love affair with Diana explains a great deal about the Princess's fear of the secret service. I can reveal that she once told one of her therapists, the New Age thinker and masseur Stephen Twigg, that she feared for her life because she had become the royal family's loose cannon.