Relationships: How to survive life as a mistress

0 Comments | Sunday Mirror, Mar 21, 1999

If a wife finds out, her condemnation of the mistress will far outweigh her condemnation of her husband. Each wife also has society on her side. She holds all the aces in the pack: responsibility, children and the threat of financial ruin with divorce. If the mistress wants her lover to leave home, she not only has to be better than his wife; she has to be worth him losing his children, his parents, his prestige and his money too.

In the vast majority of cases, the mistress will always lose.

'Most mistresses, like me, will end up very unhappy'

Ann Marie Watson, 29, from Sleaford, Lincs, had a nine-year affair with a married man. They have a daughter, 10, and a six-year-old son. Anne Marie (pictured right) says:

"I was 18 when I started an affair with Peter (not his real name). He was my mum's boss and although he was 20 years older than me, I was attracted to him because he was so caring and easy to talk to.

I knew he was married, but I wasn't looking to get involved. Then I fell in love - I couldn't stop myself. After four months I fell pregnant. He said he couldn't leave his wife for financial reasons and wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. But I wanted this child and gave birth to a daughter. The affair continued. He was not a good father and, if I'm honest, not very nice to me. I was at his beck and call all the time. Most people imagine mistresses are in it for what they can get. I wasn't. The only present he gave me in nine years was a gold bangle. Three years later I gave birth to our son - again Peter didn't want the child.

Then four years ago I discovered our daughter had a terminal illness, a rare genetic disorder which is destroying her organs. It made Peter pull further away from us. He said he couldn't cope.

Looking back I realise I let him have his cake and eat it. I never set out to wreck his marriage. I never set out to be 'the other woman', but once I fell in love I couldn't stop myself. He still phones me, but sees us once a year at the most. The past 11 years have been harder than I could ever have imagined. At times I've sat and cried my eyes out. Some mistresses have a happy ending, but the majority, like me, will end up very unhappy."

The Options

The mistress is in the unenviable position of total uncertainty as far as her future goes. She might meet someone else, she

might marry her lover or she might end up alone. She is forever hoping that he will leave his wife and so doesn't make any contingency plans. But 10 years down the line she might find herself lonely, with little security, pension or companionship. She should step back and consider her future and her options. The first thing to do is evaluate the depth of the relationship to see if it is worth investing more years in.

STAYING IN THE RELATIONSHIP

No woman should ever begin a relationship with a married man, let alone remain in it. Not because it is considered morally wrong by most societies in the world, but because it has the potential to do tremendous damage to herself, her lover and his wife and family.