Shop life: Shopping heaven or hell?; So just which of our High Street

0 Comments | Sunday Mirror, May 20, 2001 | by Amanda Ward

KOOKAI

Music: Very loud. And er, it's Ricky Martin, Livin' La Vida Loca. I feel as if I am going Loca with the noise.

Sales assistants: Not very helpful. Bored-looking sales assistant sighs as I beg for help with puzzling clothes sizes. Am I a 36? or a 38? Am I a "one" or a "two?" While I'm working it out, she's wandered off.

Changing rooms: No queues but the cubicle is small and annoyingly, the curtain won't close, giving fellow shoppers a nice view of my knickers. Smell: Quite pleasant. A curious vanilla-type smell, but could be from a woman standing next to me.

Sizes: Bizarrely too big. I'm a size ten but the size 38 is way too big, on both top and skirt.

Till queues: There's two tills and five of us waiting. But no-one tells me that one of the tills is closed so waste five minutes standing in wrong queue.

Packaging: Poor. I'm excited as I see that the girl in front gets her top wrapped in tissue paper and lovely bag. I get my top and skirt shoved into horror! a Kookai plastic bag with SALE written all over it, even though I've spent more than her. Everyone knows I'm a cheapskate.

3/10

GAP

Music: All Saints Black Coffee

Sales assistants: So friendly I think they've been primed I'm coming. One young hunk helps me work out trouser sizes and suggests that I may go down a size to a size 8 (their size 4). I want to marry him.

Changing room: No queues. Clean cubicles, nicely lit and good size. Ask sex god assistant called Jim if my bum looks big in size 4 and argh! he's brutally honest. "Perhaps you'd like to try a bigger size if you like them loose?" he says tactfully and goes off and gets one.

Smell: Undetectable but I don't care as sales assistants all look like male models.

Sizes: Generous. I'll shop anywhere where I can fit easily into a size 8.

Till queues: Waited seven minutes, but staff were great, asking if I'd got all the help I needed. Packaging: Trendy, plastic gym-bag.

9/10

OASIS

Music: Not too loud. Destiny's Child

Sales assistants: Two sales assistants are friendly enough on the changing room but they look about 16 - young enough to be my daughters. Would they have enough experience and confidence to tell me that I look a mess in my purposely-chosen lime green V-vest top and purple skirt. Answer? No. Poor girl tries to please and says that the hideous lime green top matches skirt's flowers. No it doesn't.

Changing cubicle: Not enough room to swing a cat or to hang my coat and bag. Small mirror and oh my god. I'm in number 13.

Smell: Undetectable.

Sizes: OK, but size ten V-vest is quite tight and wouldn't walk out in it, unless I was a Page 3 model which I'm not.

Till queues: Eight-minute wait. Two on the till but one cashier is so busy folding jeans she doesn't see me in front of her until I cough. Loudly.

Packaging: Fair. I get my pounds 15 T-shirt tissue wrapped but it's just dumped in a bag, where it crumples. I jealousy eye up another shopper being given a free paperback. But I find it's only if I've spent pounds 65 on an Oasis card.

Refund policy xxxxxxx xxxxxxzzxzzxzxzxz

5/10

1/10

MONSOON

Music: Craig David

Sales assistants: Useless.

Changing room: Awful. Freezing cold and right at the back of store past the children's clothes section. Nearly step on child and his bottle and assistant doesn't even bother to get up to show me to a cubicle. I've taken in a pink bustier and skirt in size ten. It doesn't suit my colour. Then nightmare! Get bustier zip stuck halfway up. Have to ask twice for help. Sales assistant reluctantly comes in and rather than saying it's too tight, yanks zip up, catching a bit of me. She apologises but insists that it still looks OK, despite fact I can't breathe. Smell: Undetectable.

Sizes: Skirt loose and bustier cripplingly tight.

Till queues: Not bad. Three-minute wait.

Packaging: Lovely. A huge posh cardboard bag.

WAREHOUSE

Music: Quite easy going. Destiny's Child

Sales assistants: Girl on changing room looks absolutely shattered and bored. Tries but fails to stifle a yawn when she goes in

Changing cubicle: No queues. But small, poorly-lit and curtain not long enough. It's also boiling hot and there's a nasty, sweaty smell that's rather like an over-ripe Brie.

Smell: I think I've said enough.

Sizes: Try on a size 10 denim skirt with split down front. Am pleased to find it's quite loose .But split up middle of skirt could show a little too much when you bend down. Well, it is called "dirty denim." When ask for a size 8, the tired girl goes away to look for one, then comes back empty-handed. They haven't got one. "The Eighties are back in," she says. "Perhaps you could wear a silver belt?" By now she looks so bored, I just want to get out, I'd rather have a silver bullet.

Till queues: Minimal. Only two in front of me.

Packaging: Basic. I know the only thing that I've bought is a handbag for pounds 10 but it's just dropped in a huge silver bag with no extra wrapping.

4/10

JIGSAW

Music: Jennifer Lopez

Sales assistants: Lots! I spotted at least three in a small shop. Very helpful. One sales assistant went looking all over the shop trying to find a size ten pair of trousers.