Waxing lyrical: Bitter-sweet symphonies

0 Comments | Sunday Mirror, Feb 24, 2002 | by Lynne Michelle

Shut Up And Forget About It Dane Bowers

Lyrics: ...we're through, loving you was a waste of time... You make me sick... you're just a cheap trick and you get me down.

Jordan knows how to hit a man where it hurts - in the ego. After Dane ditched her on the grounds she'd mutated from a sweet girl in to, well, Jordan, she told the press she found Viagra in his bag, and added, "He's not the biggest of boys" for good measure. Dane hit back with this song, which includes the line: "How can anyone put up with you?" (OK, some men might come up with two reasons.)

Claws out rating: 4/5 Ouch. For all her snipes, Jordan was gutted about being dumped. But it'll take more than insults to put off this bunny boiler - she even admits she wishes Dane was her unborn kid's dad!

SHUT UP AND FORGET ABOUT IT - Dane Bowers/Harvey Mason

Jnr/Damon Thomas EMI Music Publishing/First Avenue Music Ltd.

You're So Vain Carly Simon

Lyrics: You walked into the party, like you were walking on to a yacht... you're so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don't you, don't you?

The ultimate karaoke tune for any woman who's ever had a close encounter of the Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen kind. But which Narcissus inspired Carly to pen it? The prime suspect remains Warren Beatty who obviously did think the song was about him as he phoned up his former love to thank her for the song. But we'd prefer to believe it was another ex, Mick Jagger - purely because Carly persuaded him to sing backing vocals on the track. Now that's sly.

Claws out rating: 2/5 It may be the world's most famous musical put-down but Carly still hasn't had the guts to admit who inspired it. Cowardy- custard.

YOU'RE SO VAIN - Carly Simon/Polygram (Electra)

Little L Jay Kay

Lyrics: There you were freaking out, trying to get your head around the fact that me and you and love is dead

All the hallmarks of a bitter bloke who realised that Denise Van Outen wasn't going to hang up her sparkly boob tube and turn into a meek housewife.

Claws out rating: 1/5 Like she cares - her career is soaring while Jay Kay only has his silly hat collection for company. LITTLE L - JK and Smith/Sony

The Real Slim Shady Eminem

Lyrics: ...bitch put me on blast on MTV, "yeah he's cute but he's married to Kim, hee hee". Should download the audio on mp3, then show the whole world how you gave Eminem VD

You'd think Eminem would fancy Christina Aguilera - after all, she looks like she's from the same trailer park. But we doubt he'll get to rub her up the right way after this song, which goes on to claim that Christina entertained MTV host Carson Daly with her oral talents. And we're not talking about her singing.

Claws out rating: 3/5 Mean - but this is the bloke who sang about killing his wife. Christina shouldn't be too miffed.

THE REAL SLIM SHADY - Bradford/Mathers/Young - Eminem. Aftermath

Ent/Interscope Records

Watcha Talkin' 'Bout

Victoria Beckham

Lyrics: You changed on us... you told us you were cool and we were wrong. When I call you on the phone you act like you ain't home. You're checking your caller ID. Why you getting fake on me?

When Geri walked out on the Spice Girls, the remaining four toed the spin doctor's line and bewailed the loss of their mate with the sugary Goodbye. Not their most convincing hour. And just in case you weren't 100% convinced, Posh included this alleged pop at Geri on her solo album.

Claws out rating: 3/5 We're waiting for the day Posh and Geri slug it out in the All-England Hair Pulling Championship, but this will have to do in the meantime. Would probably have been more effective if Posh had sold more than about 20 copies of her CD.

WATCHA TALKIN' 'BOUT Beckham/Butler/Karlin/Soulshock/EMI