ALI G INDA RAW

Sunday Mirror, Mar 17, 2002 by CAROLE MALONE

MOVE over Me Julie - Ali G's got a new bitch. Well no, he hasn't actually, it's just that after spending time in the company of the Staines Main Man you can't help talkin' the talk. The Sunday Mirror Massive (me) turned up at the Dorchester this week to check out Britain's hottest movie sensation. Yes, Ali G is about to unleash his acting talents in a pounds 5million blockbuster called Ali G Indahouse.

And if the movie does well, the coolest comedy talent on the planet and Head Honcho of the Staines Massive could be on his way to Hollywood.

("Me thought 'ollywood was a club in Romford," says Ali.)

When we meet he is subdued. "Iz it coz I iz a Geordie?" I ask?

The 6ft 5in Jamaican pretender appears uncomfortable - as well he might. In his tiger skin track suit he looks incongruous in his fussy, five-star hotel room surrounded by regency furniture, dinky writing tables and trays laden with silver teapots and bone china. He doesn't quite know what to do with his endless legs as he positions himself on the velour sofa and tries to dig his Nikes out of the three-inch pile carpet.

Punters to the city's ever so posh hotel are more used to seeing businessmen and oil rich Arabs striding down the corridors - not a bowler-hatted giant in yellow sunglasses who's wearing enough jewellery to open a shop.

I ask him if the four watches, six bracelets, five necklaces and six rings he's wearing are heavy. "Iz youstupid? Them ain't real," he says disparagingly. "Them's fake."

Ali G's journey from Staines to the Dorchester started just three years ago with a five-minute slot on Channel 4's 11 O Clock show. Within weeks it seemed like every teenager in Britain was "Biggin' it up", doing funny pointing things with their fingers and talking about "punanis".

The cult of Ali G hadn't just been born, it had become instantaneous legend. TV's most outrageous character had implanted himself into the nation's consciousness with consummate ease.

Three years on, the man from Staines is still breaking boundaries - most recently on Sara Cox's Radio One Breakfast Show when he caused the nation to choke on their cornflakes by using an offensive swear word.

But even amidst the calls to permanently ban him from the airwaves there was, and still is, a part of us all that marvels at his audacity. So here it is - the gospel according to Ali G:

CAROLE: What is the film about?

ALI: Me ain't gonna give too much away coz to be honest me ain't watched it de whole way thru, but de film company woz so pleased wiv it dat dey did not even want to waste dere time releasin' it at de cinema and wanted it to go straight to video - so it must be good. Wot me did not want woz for it to be too commershul, but me did wanna make az much money from it az possible. Me woz told dat doin' a script could take several years and fousands of hourz of research or me cood just get mashed off me titz and nick de plot of Police Academy 6, so dat's wot me did. But de end product iz wikid. De Staines and Egham News gave it three popcorns out of five, so I arrest me case.

WAS it always your dream to be a film star?

WHEN I woz a yoot me woz very camera-shy and did wotever me could to avoid bein' filmed, but heventually I did happear on de CCTV cameras by de back of de Dixons warehouse. Can me just say dose three video recorders were me own and me can make receipts to prove dat.

IF you really got to be PM what would you do?

ME wood make it me prioritee to sort out crime. Me agree wiv President Blair dat dere ain't nuff vizible policin'. Me wood make dem wear bright orange costumes and shout "'Allo we iz de police" well loudly whereever dey iz so dat de gangstaz of Stainez can no when dey iz comin'.

In de ghettoz of Stainez hapart from yoof clubz, cinemaz, theatres, sportz centerz, museum ant arcadez, football, school clubz, go kartin', dry slope ski-in', ice skatin', fishin', skateboardin', legolandin, hoopz, sea cadetz, muzic workshopz and swimmin' dere ain't nuffin' for kidz to do, so it ain't hardly surprisin' dat dey turn to crime.

Me wood also get rid of de deaf penalty - me fink it iz well unfair to fry people just coz dey can't hear well.

YOU seem to have a bad opinion of women. Don't you feel you should have more respect?

I AIN'T no sexualist - to me it iz well important dat women have equal rights in de workplace (as long as dey don't start demandin' dem at 'ome).Women should not be hexpected to do de cookin' and cleanin' when dey come home from work - dey shood do it before dey leave in de mornin'.

I iz always very careful about not bein' sexualist, I iz very happy for girls to do important jobz when I do a production as long as dey iz fit and don't mind showin' a bit of skin.

In a modern relationship your woman should only 'ave to do half de cookin' and half de housework. Your mum or her mum should do de other half.

It iz natural for de woman to stay at home and look after de kidz while de man go out and provide for them by claimin' dole. Me will alwayz be into feminism - me will alwayz let da woman pay for da meel, carry heavy bags and pay for herself. Me swear me will nevva stand up and offer me seat to a woman on de bus - do u know how degradin' dat wood be?