Losers, loonies & sob-stories..

FIRST rule of Britain's Got Talent... if you want the thumbs-up from the judges, be under 10 or over 80. Tiny kids and ancient pensioners are guaranteed to get through.

They all did last night - even though every single one of them stands about as much chance of stardom as Boris Johnson's hairdresser.

Only "ex-cleaner" Edelweiss Warby and her canine version of Phantom Of The Opera failed to make the grade. "I'm singing like a dog," she explained. They should put her down. Entertaining as ever, ITV's cheerleaders in-chief Ant and Dec did their best to talk up the search for an alleged superstar. "We've proved that Britain HAS got talent," insisted Dec. Balls! After four weeks of losers, loonies and end-of-thepier tat, you've done nothing of the sort.

Good telly and all that.

But don't tell me that, following his off-key Miss Saigon routine, 18-year-old Dean Wilson is a future sensation. Incredibly, there was no sign of a sob story. Until football juggler Jeremy Lynch revealed: "I wasn't good enough to play for Arsenal." I couldn't stop crying...

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