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Football: From Kaboul to Derby, it's been one big bore of attrition
Sunday Mirror, May 11, 2008 by MICHAEL CALVIN
IT'S that time of year again when football's elite pout and preen their way through the awards season.
It's not quite as boring as Kevin Keegan would have us believe, but the reverential applause has a hollow ring.
Life would be dull if they were all as captivating as Cristiano Ronaldo and as inspirational as Frank Lampard. The drama at both ends of the Premier League wouldn't be the same without inadequacy and inequality of opportunity.
Welcome then, to our celebration of incompetence, in the form of the team that died of shame. It is a nightmare XI, drawn from the Premier League's Class of '08. This lot ruin reputations, break the bank, and take the proverbial.
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They are a cast of characters capable of inducing a nervous breakdown in even the most level-headed coach.
In the interests of fairness, and to save us the chore of selecting the entire Derby team, clubs are allowed one spot in Calvin's Catastrophes.
JENS LEHMANN, Arsenal
GRUMPY Old Man, destined to bore an entire continent, not to mention his grandchildren, with tales of the wicked witch Wenger. Matron would be well advised to lace his cocoa with a sedative.
ANDY TODD, Derby
THE worst of an excruciatingly bad bunch. A slow-motion replay made flesh, his brain becomes a Slush Puppy under stress.
TITUS BRAMBLE, Wigan
FERGIE expects Steve Bruce to do his duty, and give him his latest last chance today. Who said comedy was dead?
YOUNES KABOUL, Tottenham
MARTIN JOL'S revenge. A EUR10million study (left) in arrogance and under-performance. Sealed a summer move by belittling Juande Ramos, who doesn't take prisoners.
JOSE ENRIQUE, Newcastle
SAM ALLARDYCE knows everything about his recruits, from their resting pulse rate to their psychological profile. Pity he didn't notice this Spanish full-back possesses the positional sense of a drunken flamenco dancer.
FREDDIE LJUNGBERG, West Ham
OVERPAID and over the hill, like so many of the players indulged in the Icelandic saga at Upton Park. Time for the Swede (right) to dust off his portfolio of underwear ads and seek alternative employment.
LIAM MILLER, Sunderland
A MIDFIELD scuffler who fancies himself as cross between David Blaine and David Beckham. Deceived Fergie and Roy Keane, and somehow lived to tell the tale.
GAIZKA MENDIETA, M'boro
REMEMBER him? Not many do, outside Teesside and the Institute of Chartered Accountants. World-class player reduced to a pounds 65,000- a-week blot on the balance sheet.
HARRY KEWELL, Liverpool
THE physio's friend, who could paper the Anfield boot room with a sheaf of his sick notes. Kewell (right), was a bargain at pounds 160,000 a game over five unproductive seasons.
DAVID NUGENT, Portsmouth
DEADLY from an inch, desperate from more than a yard. A Championship player to his bootstraps, he deserves to be labelled as Harry's great mistake.
LEROY LITA, Reading
LIKE his club, paralysed by the reality check of second-season syndrome. The bling and Day-Glo boots look sorely out of place.
SUBSTITUTES
KASEY Keller (Fulham), Gerald Cid (Bolton), Patrik Berger (Aston Villa), Claudio Pizarro (Chelsea), Rolando Bianchi (Man City).
MANAGER, Executive Division
DENNIS WISE. Let's see how effective Little Man Syndrome really is.
CO-OWNERS
TOM Hicks, George Gillett, Mike Ashley, David Sullivan, Thaksin Shinawatra - such collective ignorance would be bliss.
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