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Family dinner table the best place to help kids learn
Oakland Tribune, Mar 29, 2004 by Tammy Hansen,
AT 3, his preschool lisp made "peas" and "tank-oo" all the more pleasant. At 6, your little helper folded her own socks. At 10, it's elbows on the table, grunting at the neighbors, and "Hey, wanna hear me burp the alphabet?" Preteens' manners often are a testament to peer pressure, busy family schedules and youthful distraction. This is the time children begin to rebel through language and behavior. Paradoxically, this is also a perfect time to teach children manners because they are more likely to retain the lesson and grasp the reasons behind even the most arcane protocol. "Every child has had some level of limited manners drilled into them," says San Francisco etiquette consultant Syndi Seid. "It's at this age that the kids begin to get it. They're old enough to understand and acquire the skills." They are also old enough to embarrass you in a restaurant for the sheer joy of watching you squirm. Convincing an older child to use a napkin instead of a sleeve starts at the home dinner table. It also starts with a good example from mom and dad. And it ends with clear expectations and consequences for poor behavior.
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Through the looking glass
"It's always good to double-check and make sure your own manners are in good stead," says Rachel Ensler, a Pleasanton child development specialist and mother of four. "I always am happy to look in the mirror first."
Etiquette educator Rebecca Black of Etiquette by Rebecca in Davis agrees. Parents have to make a commitment before expecting their children to take on the task of learning manners.
"It's never too late to start teaching manners, and the best way to do that is spend time with your children," says Black, who teaches at colleges, businesses and in private settings in the Bay Area.
Many parents teach very young children the basics of "please" and "thank you" but fail to follow through with them as the kids get older, says Seid, owner of Advanced Etiquette.
"It's something that doesn't come overnight, but has to be reinforced," Seid says.
Indeed, Seid and Black say they spend most of their time teaching etiquette in corporate settings. Poor manners can become a vi-
cious cycle.
"Children copy behavior. They don't do what you tell them to do," says Claudia Falconer, Oakland mother of a 10-year-old son, Barley.
Pleasanton mother Anne Schlecht says her 9-year-old daughter, Cece, is the same.
"She'll remind us that we didn't say 'please,' " she says. "If we don't do it, then she doesn't do it."
A family affair
Rules of conduct don't have to be Draconian, but they do need to be practiced at home. The family dinner table is a good place to start.
A mother of two grown children, Black is well aware that families often eat on the run between sports and social events.
Good manners may need to be scheduled.
"It is something that has to be done at least on a weekly basis," she says, adding that family dinners are the best venue for etiquette discussions.
"You use all your manners at the table, not just your dinner manners. Tell your children you need to practice, too," she says.
Don't pull out the white tablecloth and china right away, Black advises. Start with simple manners over macaroni and cheese. Later, reward the newly refined family with a fine meal at home or in a restaurant.
"The restaurant should not be the training ground," Seid agrees. "It's not the time to embarrass your child. The instruction should have been at home."
Falconer says family dinners at her house are casual but kind. Consideration and the golden rule are the centerpiece to etiquette in any setting. "It's more important to be pleasant to each other than to have refined table manners," she says.
Schlecht says she and her husband, Tom, go over the more refined manners with their daughter before social events. At 9, Cece wants to be sure she fits in. She's happy for the tips.
"They don't want to behave incorrectly at that age," Schlecht says.
Falconer, her husband, Peter, and Barley practice good table manners before her parents visit. They use discreet gestures to remind their son of specific manners during dinner.
Recruiting older family members in the program also can be helpful, says Liz Grunow, a Manteca mother of two teens. Often they come from a more genteel background and can fill in spaces parents leave blank.
"Sometimes my aunt still chastises me," Grunow says. Older family members are welcome to correct poor manners in her family.
The enforcer
Ensler says initial discussions must be backed with firm consequences for poor behavior.
"They already know it's not OK, otherwise it wouldn't be funny. Don't tolerate it," she says. For example, potty language has a place. Ensler tells her children, "Feel free to go in the bathroom and have a chat with yourself or your friends."
Grunow holds a similar philosophy with her two children.
"From day one, they knew how they were expected to behave. They were on a very short leash. That's why children have parents. We're here to guide them," she says.
