My Workout

0 Comments | Oakland Tribune, Jan 27, 2006 | by MARY HANNA - Columnist

If you used to read me on Mondays in the Bay Area Living section, you may have noticed that I'm not there anymore. The powers that be decided that you don't need to laugh on Monday. You need to think about your health, and even though somebody somewhere proved once and for all that laughing is good for your health, I'm not allowed to appear under the umbrella of "Mind & Body."

Last Monday, my old spot was taken by a column about weight- lifting as a means to control blood sugar. It contained some actual science instead of the sarcasm my readers are used to (e.g., "Lift your tush and get up from the table. Repeat as necessary").

Sometimes, people write in and describe their workouts, which is just as captivating as listening to someone do play-by-play for a golf tournament.

Keeper is a workout nut. He arrives home an hour and a half before I do, and when I walk in the door, he's nice and sweaty, which kind of puts me off, to tell you the truth. I like it that he keeps himself in shape, but I don't want to witness it. I don't want to hear the grunting and the panting. And I sure don't want to hug him until he's showered. No sweaty truck driver fantasies for me.

You may in interested in my workout routine. It begins at 5:30 in the morning. Come on now, let's do it together. The alarm is ringing. Stretch, I mean really s-t-r-e-t-c-h and push the snooze button. Repeat 10 times.

Wait until you hear the words "Time to rise!" from the morning person you sleep with. Quickly raise your middle finger. Right, then left.

Walk slowly to the kitchen, jumping over pets and abandoned objects as necessary. Bend down and touch your toes. While you're down there, pick up the cat dish and fill it with fresh water. Bend down again, place the dish on the floor and greet your workout buddy, the cat.

Stroke him from head to tail. Start with five reps and work up to 10. More than that and he'll bite you to let you know it's time to cut it out and feed him, already.

This is just the first five minutes of my morning workout: the warmup.

For those of you who are ready for a more advanced fitness routine, one that actually raises your heart rate, you might want to follow Keeper's routine.

First find the most unattractive T-shirt you own, the one that your spouse keeps hiding at the bottom of the laundry basket. Next, turn on some country-music TV and hop on the stationary bike. Cycle at a slow pace for one minute, then crank up the speed until the bike is noisier than the Dixie Chicks. Turn up the volume on the TV. When you're breathing hard and starting to smell ripe, you're halfway through.

Cycle in place for a few more miles, then do some stretching. For good measure, lift a few weights to work your biceps. When your spouse knocks on the door to ask for some help carrying the laundry to the garage, tell her you have to finish lifting weights first. When she dumps the laundry on your head, exercise some humility and admit the irony of your response. Repeat routine three to four times per week. Recycling bin may be substituted for laundry.

If this routine works well for you, consider submitting it to "Mind & Body." They need to lighten up over there.

Mary Hanna has well-developed fingers from working out on the keyboard. Write to her at P.O. Box 7093, San Carlos, CA 94070 or mary@willwriteforfood.org.