Money found to spark most of couples' fights

0 Comments | Oakland Tribune, Feb 12, 2007 | by Janis Mara

According to The Beatles, money can't buy you love. But it certainly can cause a lot of arguments -- even more than sex, says a national survey released in advance of Valentine's Day.

Money is the leading issue couples fight about, with 37 percent of couples putting it at the top of their bickering list. In comparison, 28 percent of couples say they argue about sex, according to a study by online payment processing company PayPal of San Jose.

In fact, sex isn't even No. 2 on the list. That distinction is claimed by housework, or the division of household duties, which is a bone of contention for 34percent of couples. "Like sex, money is a super-emotional thing and so much a part of what we are in this country," said Carmen Wong Ulrich, an author and former Money magazine editor. "It's a huge conflict zone. Money equals power."

When you get into a relationship, you bring your financial baggage, just as you bring your emotional baggage," said Merry Ross, an Oakland therapist. "Money issues come up with almost every couple at some point."

As an example, 57 percent of the 1,359 people between age 18 and 45 surveyed in the online study said they feel money is used as a means of control in their relationship.

Actually, maybe the Bible is right in calling the love of money the root of all evil. Not only do couples fight about it, they also bear false witness -- 82 percent of all respondents surveyed said they hid shopping bags and purchases from their partner.

"I was surprised that men do this as well as women," Ulrich said. "They hide things like power tools, whereas women lie about having drinks with their girlfriends."

Not a good idea, Ulrich said.

"Try to be transparent about money," she said. "Talk it over and come up with a policy. I recommend this arrangement: If you're going to make a purchase over a certain amount, say $100 or $200, agree that you'll run it by your partner."

That way you have some freedom in spending and both partners also know what's going on, she said.

Ulrich also recommends discussing mutual goals: "If we're renting, do we want to buy? Is a college fund for the kids a big priority, or (is) retirement?" Keeping track of bills with software such as Quicken is a good idea, too, she said.

The money maven takes her own advice. Married a year and a half ago, with a new baby girl, she said, "Every month I do the bills, but I make it a point to show my husband what the bills are. It lets him know where our money is going."

Contact Janis Mara at jmara@angnewspapers.com or (510) 208-6468.