It's time for 3 beauties to get burned

0 Comments | Oakland Tribune, Oct 5, 2007 | by Bill Soliday

THE DOGS GOT into the house last weekend, and boy did they trash the place.

There were nine upset winners, six of them home underdogs. If you're thinking that's going to be a trend in 2007, you might want to reconsider.

What has happened is teams are starting to establish their identities after one month of play and there is a new perspective growing on who should or should not be favored.

That, of course, depends on whether you care to believe the Bears, Chargers, Jets, Bengals, Eagles and Saints are as ugly as they've been playing or the Titans, Cowboys, Redskins, Packers, Lions and Bucs are so ravishingly beautiful.

And so, it's on to Week 5 and we bring the date up because something happened a year ago on this very NFL week. There weren't any upsets, something that almost never happens. All 14 favorites won and not only won, won big -- by an average of 121/2 points.

All of which might mean something to you unless you considered that last week's victorious underdogs didn't exactly survive by the skin of their teeth. They won by an average of 111/2 points a game.

The forecast has three uglies winning and three bathing beauties getting sunburned.

Baltimore 27, San Francisco 10. Brian Billick's real reason for dumping Trent Dilfer after the 2000 season: The coach noticed he had more hair than the player. Seven years have passed, and Dilfer now has even less hair and, strangely, Billick seems to have more. A possible NFL substance abuse issue? Only Billick's hairdresser knows.

San Diego 34, Denver 27. Lately, these guys have been playing the kinds of games that require a double-dose of nitrogen tabs. But even more lately, these guys haven't been "these guys" in any way, shape or form. Right now both deserve to be 2-3.

Houston 31, Miami 14. Environmentally speaking let's face it, what chance does a dolphin have against a Texan?

Jacksonville 20, Kansas City 17. This little encounter knocked the Jaguars out of the playoffs last Dec.31. They gave up 35 points to Larry Johnson and the Chiefs in a 35-30 loss. Larry won't be so scary this time around.

New England 42, Cleveland 14. That foul odor you detect is the stench of the Browns in odd-numbered weeks. It's Week 5, their week to reek. That's too bad. At some point, somebody needs to show these bullies a first-ate right cross.

New Orleans 23, Carolina 21. The winless Saints are favored, which ranks right up there with Thailand by three over Tsunami.

New York Giants 20, New York Jets 10. The Giants are the home team. No, it's the Jets. No, it's Osi Umenyiora, who has more vowels in his handle than he had sacks last week. Fact: nobody outside New York or Jersey gives a sack of hoot owls. Which leads us to this: Hacken-sack has named Vowel Boy its Citizen of the Year.

Pittsburgh 21, Seattle 17. Judge Judy has ruled the Seahawks get to have that touchdown that was denied them in Super Bowl XL. They still lose. The big issue in Pitt this week was counterfeit tickets. So that's how come all those people are seen standing on that upper concourse gangway every week.

Arizona 21, St. Louis 20. Marc Bulger has Arizona's number. He is 7-2 against the Cards. Hold on. Gus Frerotte is starting at quarterback. Extra padding is being added to the end zone walls in St. Louis as we speak.

Tennessee 27, Atlanta 17. Joey Harrington completed 23 of 29 passes without an interception against Carolina. As for that happening two weeks in a row, I like the odds of a spectacular comeback by Bobby Goldsboro better.

Washington 34, Detroit 31. Quite an interesting game until you stop to consider that Joe Gibbs' teams are 11-0 against the Lions dating back to the Reagan administration. The chances of Detroit advancing to 4-1 is so outrageous that George Carlin came up with an eighth bad word he can't use.

Indianapolis 23, Tampa Bay 14. The Colts may be without Marvin Harrison and Joseph Addai. The Bucs are without "Cadillac" Williams and left tackle Luke Petitgout. Was prepared to make a crack about gout but the ending of Luke's name is pronounced Goo. Which will be the "residout" of the Bucs by Sunday night.

Chicago 14, Green Bay 10. Repeat after me: The Bears will get better, the Bears will get better. Now chant: The Pack has no running back, the Pack has no running back.

Dallas 34, Buffalo 13. I usually fall back on statistics only when backed up against a wall, but check this out: Dallas is averaging 441 yards a game on offense; Buffalo is giving up 430 yards a game on defense. This is what "Monday Night Football" has come to. Televised abuse on cable television.

Last week: 6-8. Season: 36-26