Tony Hicks: I don't spank my kids (unless they spank me first)

Oakland Tribune, Sep 29, 2008 by Tony Hicks

I just read yet another long argument over whether spanking your children is OK, with the author pointing out that, while an occasional swat might be OK to get kids' attention, most adults can't stop there. Which makes sense.

Like sometimes when I'm fighting an opponent in high-stakes, televised Ultimate Fighting, I just can't help using my vast karate and Greco-Roman wrestling skills to crush his mind, body and spirit, even after it's become clear I'm the better combatant.

Which reminds me -- I have to tell the kids it's OK not to refer to me as Captain Tank McSteam anymore, now that I've retired.

Vicious circle

The rest of the argument concerned the cycle of violence and that, if spanked enough, kids just become immune to the punishment, giving a parent less recourse when it comes to discipline. At least that's the gist of the first half of the piece I read. I had to stop mid-story and go whack my kid for trying to talk to me while I was reading.

That's a little joke -- let's not start believing you can use this stuff against me in a court of law someday. Everybody knows nobody tells the truth in the newspaper.

But I'll try for a second. I generally don't spank my girls because one is only 3 months old and hasn't yet learned the true nature of evil from her sisters. Another one is almost 20 and could probably take me while simultaneously text messaging her boyfriend. And the 6-year-old, to be honest, is just too cute to spank. I can't hit the other one in the house because she's also cute and isn't technically mine.

But to say I never have whacked one of my kids on the butt is as much fiction as a bank saying the customer comes first "... right after they charge you five bucks for having the nerve to speak with one of their employees.

Attention-getter

It's never been more than one moderate smack to the rear to get their attention and never more than once a year (I usually mark the day on the calendar so I won't forget to do it). I don't really need to spank them, because I've become extremely adept at issuing threats. I have the ability to raise my voice to an ominous, ground- shaking level when I need to get their attention (i.e., when I finally have had enough of the little monsters not doing what they're told and because they're plotting to water-torture hamsters).

But there are plenty of other reasons not to spank your kids, the first being that they're fragile and you could actually hurt them. You're teaching them that any kind of violence is OK and, clearly, that you've lost control of the situation.

But mostly you shouldn't spank your kids because some day they may be bigger than you and have long memories. These are the people who will decide whether you have to live in a facility where they force you to eat Jell-O three times a day and watch "Matlock" reruns. Even a spanking is preferable to that.

Reach Tony Hicks at thicks@bayareanewsgroup.com. Read his blog, "Insert Foot," at www.ibabuzz.com/insert foot.