Hicks: Infomercials cured me of the flu!

0 Comments | Oakland Tribune, Feb 26, 2009 | by Tony Hicks

I had a very educational few days while I was home sick last week. It was either flu, leprosy or heartworm. Maybe all three. We just won't know much until the tests come back.

I do know that, as much as I enjoy a convenient (lazy) lifestyle, I really don't like being confined to bed for three days, the word "confined" meaning "having no choice." It's much different than being there for three days for all the right reasons (having a stack of DVDs, no children in the house, and a pizza delivery guy willing to come to the window).

A higher power

I couldn't even read or watch TV the first day. The only fun thing to do was moan a lot and beg whatever higher force I happened to believe in that day (the Ham God? Wayne Newton? It's all a blur "...) to take me away. Sometimes I do that when I'm healthy, but let's not get into family outings right now.

By Tuesday, I really dug deep into my soul and found the strength and courage to do what the head of any functioning household should do when facing adversity: I called my mommy and begged her to make it go away.

My mom is, by no means, your June Cleaver type, and for me to explain that would require thousands of scientists and millions in grant money. But whenever her only son has a health problem, my mother swings into action with startling speed. Within seconds of getting the call, she swiftly hit the right book on the shelf, slid down the pole to the Cave of Maternity, fired up the Mommymobile, and was soon violently clearing the shelves of some local store of all its Gatorade, 7-Up and soda crackers.

To the tube

So after a bit of nourishment and a small nap, I found the strength to pick up the remote control. Not being able to do that for 36 hours, by the way, was one of the most frightening experiences of my life; Even scarier than the time I fought that drunken Bigfoot.

Here's where the education started. I really don't watch that much TV because I'm too engrossed in books, eating or screaming at my children. I never watch during a weekday, and it reminded me a lot of the looping "YOUR FUTURE resides at Control Data Institute" commercials in the '70s. Only now they just don't make you feel like a loser for not having a job. I mean, sure, they still do that. But they have a whole bunch of other stuff to make you feel bad about. They're all geared toward fat drug addicts and alcoholics who need computer training or they'll get Alzheimer's.

Well, I'll tell you one thing right now: I have plenty of computer training.

Daytime commercials are downright scary. After a couple of days, you start thinking, "Maybe I really should be looking into that place in Arizona for cancer treatment, even if I don't have cancer. And I definitely should be suing someone for something. Haven't I been exposed to enough asbestos? Aren't I tired of having a debilitating injury that my company worker's comp program just doesn't cover properly? Am I, or am I not, sick and tired of being sexually harassed on the job?

Well, actually "...

I'm getting back to work, where at least I can mess around on the Internet in peace. They say the Internet is a frightening place. Apparently "they" haven't been home sick in a while.

Reach Tony Hicks at thicks@bayareanewsgroup.com. Read his blog, "Insert Foot," at www.ibabuzz.com/insertfoot.>

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