THE BIG PICTURE: Stupid Human Trips, Lamorinda version

0 Comments | Oakland Tribune, May 14, 2009 | by Mike Zampa

LAST MONTH the UC Davis rugby team came to Moraga to play Saint Mary's College. How do we know this? The answer was scattered across St. Mary's Road.

More than 30 crushed beer cans were tossed into a ditch after the contest. On the curb were flattened cardboard boxes reading "Miller Lite."

Since motorists routinely dump trash there, no one could positively ID Davis rugby players as the litterbugs. But among the garbage were two discarded signs that read "Go Aggies Rugby." UC Davis' nickname is the Aggies.

Remember Kojak? This would have been his dream scenario -- scoundrels so dumb they actually autographed their crime.

The incident was illuminating on three counts. It told us that:

a) Rugby players are fitness conscious; they drink only low-carb beer in-season;

b) If you've been rejected by other colleges you should try Davis. That A on their chest must stand for Aggies, not Astounding Intelligence.

c) It's time again for our favorite feature in the newspaper -- Stupid Human Tricks.

Humans have been to the moon. They've harnessed the atom. They've even made an electric juice squeezer that's affordable for home use.

But that doesn't mean they're smart. Just look at the Aggies. They're proof that the only difference between people and domesticated animals is that we don't drink from the toilet.

And it's not just rugby players. Plenty of others are fighting to stop inflation in the national IQ, too.

Stupid Human Tricks was created to honor them. Actually, it was created to mock them. But hopefully they're too dumb to know the difference.

So let's look at this week's contestants.

First there's Matt Chaney of Lafayette. Given a Michael Crichton novel on tape -- actually on CD -- by his wife Liz, Matt spent four hours listening. Asked how he liked it, Matt said, "Kind of tough to follow. Everything keeps changing." Here's why: He'd loaded the 13- disc book on his iPod. Then he put the iPod on shuffle.

Next is an unnamed Rhodes Scholar who was weaving through Lafayette in his car last week. He was stopped by a policeman who immediately smelled marijuana. Impossible, snorted the 20-year-old, explaining that there couldn't be any marijuana because he had just smoked it all. What he hadn't smoked, unfortunately, was the pistol hidden in the console. It had been stolen from another policeman. The motorist is now in jail. He's applying for the fall semester at Davis.

Nilda Rego of Moraga can top that. She's got irrefutable evidence that crooks aren't bright. She knows a thief who tried to break into a store by bashing the wall with a sledgehammer. As he reared back to strike, he knocked himself out with the hammer.

Now meet Jeb Bunker of Lafayette. He's no crook. In fact, Jeb's a successful contractor. But three weeks ago he couldn't work. Material back-order, he explained to a kitchen makeover client. Birthday, he should have said. Jeb skipped work to go fishing on his birthday. Unfortunately a newspaper photographer captured him at Lafayette Reservoir. Jeb's kitchen client was looking at the photo in the paper next morning when he returned to work. "Back order?" asked the client with a smile. "No," said Jeb "... bass."

Here's Carrie Thomas of Moraga. She was in Piedmont last Friday at a party for her teenage daughter's rowing team. The hostess kept referring to her as Cynthia, not Carrie. Flustered Carrie was too polite and embarrassed to correct the mistake. But later she introduced herself to another guest by using her real name. "I thought your name was Cynthia," said the confused woman. "No," said Carrie. "They just call me that." Carrie's daughter soon leaves for UCLA on a rowing scholarship. Her younger son has been told not to take up the sport or, at the least, to find another team where no one knows Carrie's name(s).

Also from Moraga is Jane Ellerbeck. Partner in a Lafayette ad agency, she attended a client meeting one morning last week. The participants sat at a conference table of clear glass. That's how they could see that Jane had forgotten to change out of her bedroom slippers. "They were brown suede," rationalized Jane. "So while they may have been inappropriate, they were at least tasteful."

Finally, there's me. Monday morning I said my usual prayer -- "please help me keep love in my heart and extend kindness to others" -- then drove to work. At a major intersection, in the middle lane, I was stranded behind a commuter on his bike.

He lumbered through the intersection delaying a string of cars in his wake. I honked in frustration. "Share the road," he yelled. "Share this," I responded flashing a sign that shouldn't be shared in polite company.

It was stupid. It also lacked kindness. s for love -- forget it. But unlike the UC Davis rugby team, I didn't tell him my name.

Reach Mike Zampa at michaelzampa@yahoo.com