Ask Amy: I Think My Married Lady Friend Needs Me

0 Comments | Oakland Tribune, Nov 2, 2009 | by Amy Dickinson

DEAR AMY: A longtime lady friend with whom I also work got married just over a year ago.

Her husband ran away for days at a time while they were dating and during their engagement. They have a child together, and she feels she might have gone through with the wedding only because of their kid.

There has always been a connection between us, and it has come to the surface that there may be feelings there from both parties.

I am close to her husband as well. I don't want to feel as if I'm trying to steal her away from him, because my wife was stolen from me by a guy.

I'd like to know if it's OK to try to have a relationship with her. -- Lonely Guy

Dear Lonely: Your friend is responsible for her own choices. You shouldn't trivialize her choices, and she shouldn't use you as a motivation to leave her marriage. Your friend's judgment will be clouded if you reveal your feelings for her. You are also at risk of doing the very thing you claim destroyed your own marriage.

You seem to be asking my permission to move in on these friends and interfere with their marriage.

Sorry, permission denied.

Dear Amy: I had a cordial but not close relationship with my father's sister.

When my aunt passed away, I wrote a note of condolence to her loving husband, whom I've met only once or twice. Several months later, I sent a photo Christmas card of my kids, like I always did when my aunt was alive, but I wrote a note on the back with a few kind words.

Now Christmas is rolling around again, and I can't decide whether I should continue to send this man, who barely knows me and has never met my children, a Christmas card/photo.

Is it unkind to just drop him? Or is it weirder to keep sending cards to someone I don't have a personal relationship with? -- Nice Niece

Dear Niece: There's nothing quite like watching a group of children who are complete strangers grow up via their holiday pictures. It's like viewing a slide show in extreme slow motion.

But I maintain that every year many of us engage in a guessing game over the identity of at least one of our Christmas correspondents.

Your aunt's husband no doubt knows who you are, even if he doesn't know you well, so send your card.

This year when you write your note, you could say, "I realize that my children are strangers to you, and I don't know you well, but you were an important part of Aunt Sally's life and I hope it's OK to keep in touch in this way. Please let me know."

If you don't hear from him this year, you could quietly let the ball drop.

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