Ask Amy: Child Concerned By Disciplining of Friend

0 Comments | Oakland Tribune, Nov 3, 2009 | by Amy Dickinson

DEAR AMY: I'm a 12-year-old kid, and recently, when I was talking to one of my friends, she told me that her parents hit her.

I expressed my surprise, and she told me hitting was normal in her culture -- she's African-American. She then told me that her mom once beat her in an IKEA store with a scrub brush.

I feel I should tell someone, but I'm afraid that this will break off a really good friendship. What should I do? -- Conflicted in Maryland

Dear Conflicted: I don't think hitting is "normal" in any particular culture, but hitting, striking or spanking is used as a form of punishment in various families.

I agree with you that -- no matter what you call it -- hitting is wrong; furthermore violence is not an effective form of discipline. People respond differently to being hit. A parent who beats a child with a scrub brush in a superstore isn't in control of her anger, and even if your friend thinks this is normal, it's painful and humiliating.

Ask your friend how she feels about being punished in this way. Don't box her into a corner where she feels she needs to defend her parents, but because you are her friend, it's OK to ask.

You should also speak to your parents. They may suggest speaking with the school counselor. Grown-ups don't always know what to do, but we definitely want to help.

Dear Amy: It has been a few months since I went on vacation without my boyfriend. Before I left, I was unsure how he was feeling about me and was not too happy with my own life.

Now things are wonderful, but one thing nags me. While I was gone I had too much to drink one night, walked off with a guy and allowed him to kiss me. It was very brief, and then it was over. I was so intoxicated I don't really remember the whole situation.

I haven't told my boyfriend, and it still bothers me. Is this something I should communicate to him if we are to have an honest relationship? Or should I just move on? -- Confused

Dear Confused: There's a reason the catchphrase "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" has caught on. Some things don't need to be dredged up, and I suggest you can have an honest relationship without discussing this.

Something similar might have happened to your boyfriend while you were away. Would you want to know about it? This was a mistake on your part. Your choice to drink to the point that you don't really remember what happened means that you placed yourself in an extremely vulnerable and potentially dangerous situation.

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