Pink clothes won't harm infant boy's psyche

Topeka Capital-Journal, The, Feb 28, 2000 by Capital-Journal

DEAR DR. LERNER: I put pink shirts, overalls, and sleepers on my baby boy because a friend gave me a whole box of her daughter's infant wear, and I'm financially strapped. Everyone is totally freaked out that I'm dressing my boy in pink and displaying him in public, no less. I think people are being ridiculous. Rigid gender roles have no place in modern times, so why is the blue dress code for males so sacred? A psychologist friend tells me I can cause my son sexual identity problems by "feminizing" him. I say I'm just a modern mother. Do you think I can harm my boy by dressing him in recycled pink clothing?

DEAR READER: You can't harm your son in any way by occasionally dressing him in pink. In fact, when clothing became color coded in the first decades of the 20th century, pink was the preferred color for boys, as it was considered to be "a more decided and stronger color" in contrast to blue, which was seen as more delicate and dainty.

Sociologist Michael Kimmel, in his book "Manhood in America," notes that as late as 1939, Parent's magazine ran an article called "What Color for Your Baby?" suggesting that "red symbolizes zeal and courage, while blue is symbolic of faith and constancy."

Kimmel notes that it's unclear exactly when the color code was reversed, but the earlier tradition was clear: "Boys wore pink or red because they were manly colors indicating strength and determination, and girls wore light blue, an airier color, like the sky, because girls were so flighty." So when people criticize you for defying convention, you don't need to justify yourself by telling them that you are a modern mother. Instead, tell them you're a very traditional, old-fashioned mother --- and you're just returning to the good old days!

It's important for you to understand, however, that rigid gender roles have not broken down in our society. Indeed, gender roles are at their most rigid and powerful in the arena of dress code. If a Martian paid a visit to observe sex differences in America today, no difference would be more visibly dramatic than the difference in how men and women dress.

Imagine, if you can, a cultural experiment in which males and females totally switched dress codes for one year. After all, we are pretty gender-flexible in every other respect. Can you imagine the female half of the species going to white-collar jobs every day in the drab, monotonous uniform of a suit and tie? And I don't need to tell you that men dressed in women's clothing truly freaks most people out. Our very definition of "manhood" is based on repudiation of the feminine in every way, especially where physical appearance is concerned. While I believe such a definition of manhood is bad for men and all living things, it is nonetheless an entrenched cultural belief.

I make this point so you will understand that dressing your son in pink is a large act of defiance. Does this mean you should be complicitous with sexist traditions? Of course not. I personally would not hesitate to dress my infant son in an occasional pink T- shirt, sweatpants, or the like. However, I wouldn't put him in a little dress or in pink clothing that was frilly and femmy.

My concern wouldn't be that I would foster sexual-identity confusion or feminize my son. Rather I would have some question about using a child (who is too young to have opinions, feminist or otherwise) to take a public stand on a very hot issue. I recoil at the narrowness and rigidity of the male "appearance" code. I was delighted, for example, that my teenage son, Ben, had a pony tail and pierced ear in high school --- not the usual thing in Topeka. But it matters that it was Ben's choice.

I suggest that you hit the garage sale scene to ensure that your son has a range of colors in his little wardrobe. You would probably do no less for a baby girl.

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic. Her new books is "The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life." This column was first published in New Woman magazine.