Questions you should have asked but didn't

Deseret News (Salt Lake City), Dec 22, 2003 by James Derk Scripps Howard News Service

Back by popular demand, it's the made-up questions you should have asked me, thus saving me valuable shopping time for Christmas.

Question: What's under the tree this year at your house?

Answer: It appears to be lots of dead pine needles.

Question: I meant of a computer nature.

Answer: Oh. I am looking for a new shoot-'em-up game, since I am so good at "Unreal Tournament" that the challenge is dwindling and they do not appear to be readying an Olympic team any time soon. "Halo" for the PC is pretty cool but pretty laggy so far online. "America's Army" has some potential and the price is right (free) but I haven't had time to really get into it. I miss "Duke Nukem" ("Come git some!").

Question: Any backlash from your comment never to buy the extended warranty on a PC?

Answer: Yes, I have been contacted by various sales people for various large-box retailers who insist it is the best thing since New Coke. I never hesitate to point out not a single consumer advocate advises buying them and that the retailer makes the most profit on the warranty, not the sale of the PC. Just try leaving some stores without the warranty and the "free setup for your protection." It's like running the gantlet at a fraternity initiation.

Question: What about the restocking fee?

Answer: This feels like a rip-off too, but it does have some place in retailing. There are those who "buy" a device, use it for a specific purpose, then return it a few days later. Perhaps a radar detector for a long trip, a laptop for a project or a camcorder for a wedding. The retailer then has to sell the item as an open box, incurring a loss. So in some cases it's proper to apply a 15 percent restocking fee; it's like the big ugly tag they put on prom dresses in a prominent place; remove the tag and you can't return the dress.

However, I do have an issue where the fee is charged when the customer wants to exchange a product for one that better suits his or her needs -- for example, exchanging a Packard Bell for a real computer (grin). In those cases, find the store manager and try to get the restocking fee waived.

Question: What's this year's coolest gadget?

Answer: Same as last year -- TiVo. I am not sure how I survived without it. One man in Virginia filed to marry his. I need a 12-step program for when I am in a hotel that doesn't have it. Now PVR (personal video recorder) technology is being built into satellite and cable boxes, too. The VCR, once a $1,000 device, will soon be included in Happy Meals.

Question: What's TiVo?

Answer: Because you have been hiding in a hole in Tikrit with Saddam for the past few months, I will fill you in. TiVo is a device that "learns" what kind of TV shows you like and automatically records them on its hard drive. It also makes it ridiculously simple to record entire seasons of shows and lets you skip commercials at the push of a button.

Question: Does not.

Answer: Does too.

Question: Does not. You have to scan through the commercials. Only Replay TV lets you skip them at 30-second intervals, and they are being sued for it by the networks.

Answer: TiVo will let you do that but the feature is hidden. To turn it on, start any recorded program from your "Now Playing" list. From the TiVo remote, as the program is rolling, click the following buttons: Select, Play, Select, 30, Select. When you are done, your TiVo should make the "bong" sound (perhaps as many as three times), indicating your unit is activated for the feature. Now the little button under fast-forward will skip 30 seconds at a time.

WEEKLY WEB WONDER: How to hack the Linux in your TiVo: Head to www.tivocommunity.com.

James Derk is new media editor for The Evansville Courier & Press. His e-mail address is jderk@evansville.net.