'Man Bride' brings out killer in me

Deseret News (Salt Lake City), Jun 21, 2004 by Ann Cannon

The Greek philosopher Socrates once said "Know thyself," to which I can only respond, "Greek philosophers don't know everything," and also, "Greek philosophers should just mind their own beeswax."

The reason I say this is that (in my experience at least) getting to know yourself isn't always 100 percent pure fun. FOR EXAMPLE: While you might discover some good stuff about yourself (i.e., you let your grandmother's sister cheat at cards without calling her out), chances are you're gonna find out some bad stuff, too -- like I did recently.

OK, here's what happened. My neighbor Kathy has a daughter (congratulations, Melissa!) who's getting married this summer, so our friend Sue had a bridal shower for her. And since Sue is one gal who really knows how to throw a party (party on, Sue!), everything was perfect -- especially the yummy salads, which my boys dismiss as "girl food."

And then came the game portion of the afternoon.

Sue started up. "I realize everybody hates shower games" (this is the part where I started groaning), "but I like them. And since this is my party, we're going to all play, beginning with a game called 'Man Bride.' "

Sue proceeded to pass around pencils, paper and doctored pictures from bridal magazines, telling us we were supposed to quickly identify the "bride" in each picture, then pass it along. The person who correctly identified the most brides by the end of the game was the "Man Bride" winner.

OK, I totally did NOT want to play because I totally DO, in fact, hate shower games. But the second I gazed down at the picture in my lap, I knew who it was! Hey, lookee there! It's Leonardo DiCaprio! In a dress with "showy streams of beads, blossoming silk flowers and a ruffled skirt"! Making "a romantic statement in this Atelier Aimee design"!

Quickly I scribble down Leo's name. On to the next picture.

Oh, my gosh! It's Sylvester Stallone wearing "silky satin from bust to train!" Not only that but "embroidery and beading scroll the length of the dress, and a tulle wrap adds interest"!

Rocky Balboa in a tulle wrap! America! What a great country!

I dash off Sylvester's name and snatch up the next picture.

IT'S ELVIS! AND HE'S ALIVE! AND HE LOOKS GREAT IN A "FORM-FITTING BODICE ATOP A BELL-SHAPE SKIRT!"

I quiver with excitement as I scrawl Elvis' name, then grab the next picture. Frank Sinatra! Piece of cake.

Next picture. Michael J. Fox! Another piece of cake!

Next picture. Nicholas Cage! Oh, yeah! Make that a big fat piece of WEDDING cake!

Next picture. Eddie Murphy! A BIG FAT PIECE OF WEDDING CAKE IN YOUR FACE, BABY! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

That's right, everybody! Stand aside and give it over to the "Man Bride" Champion of the World (named me) right now!

Next picture. Hold on. Yikes! Exactly who is that man bride looking coy in Vera Wang? True, the face is familiar -- on-the-tip- of-my-tongue familiar. But his name isn't coming to me. Oh, no! HIS NAME IS SO NOT COMING TO ME!

Panicked, I glance around. Melissa's sister Amy (who's sitting two people up from me on the sofa) keeps writing. In fact, she's practically glowing neon with confidence as she sits there writing, writing, writing! Hey, she's not worried! When it comes to identifying guys in wedding gowns, she's a flaming genius. Which means she might beat me! Which means my dreams of "Man Bride" Victory and also Glory would be shattered!

Now here comes the part where I discovered something new and not admirable about myself. I glared at Amy, whom I have known and loved ever since she was a girl baby, and I sent this brain wave to her.

Watch. Your. Back.

Because when it comes to the noble sport of "Man Bride," this is one player who doesn't take any prisoners.

E-mail: acannon@desnews.com