Teach kids to appreciate holiday giving

Deseret News (Salt Lake City), Dec 13, 2004 by Karalee Miller Fort Worth Star-Telegram

Do you and your family spend the holidays being happy? Or are you and your wallet just left feeling spent?

With all the shopping splendor that comes this time each year, it's easy to lose sight of the true meaning of the season.

We're told from a young age that it's better to give than to receive. But by purchasing enough gifts to fill a minivan, are we just "giving" the wrong message to kids on what the holidays mean?

Parents naturally want to give their children all they can, but the effects of granting every child's "gimme" demand often leave parents -- and their wallets -- saying, "Gimme a break."

"It's the result of what parents set their children up for and their expectations," says Jennifer Young, a family and consumer sciences instructor at Ball State University in Indiana.

Young says that gift giving has undergone a dramatic change in the past 30 years and that a big reason why may stem from parents.

"We want to do more for our children than our parents did for us," she says. "We're more prosperous, and we're constantly upping the ante."

That attitude comes from living in an instant-gratification society, says Corinne Gregory, founder and president of the Polite Child, a Washington-based program used in public and private schools to teach kids and teenagers good behavior, character and manners.

"I want, I buy, I get -- even if it means going into debt," she says. "We live in a disposable society where if something breaks, it ceases to function. We think, 'Oh, it's OK. We'll just get a new one.' "

It's also a much different time with television commercials flooding the airwaves with shiny toys and games that beckon to kids every day.

"Now you have entire networks -- Nickelodeon, Disney -- that run commercials and advertisements for children all day long," Young says.

So how do you fight the commercialism and help your family have a more meaningful holiday? Here are four ways to start.

1. Help your kids learn about money and budgeting.

The task of simplifying the holidays and shifting a child's focus away from gifts can begin by establishing a family holiday budget and limiting the number of presents.

However, be careful if you're going to use the term "budget," warns John Putnam, a certified financial planner in Charlotte, N.C., and a member of Million Dollar Round Table, an international association of financial professionals.

" 'Budget' can turn into a four-letter word," he says. "Know that you're going to spend -- it's OK to spend, but you have to have a plan."

Putnam says the best way to prepare for holiday shopping is to "know what you're up against."

"You've got the emotion and fever of the holiday season," he says. "It's easy to get caught up in all this excitement. Our finances get wrapped up in the emotions."

Wrapped up to what extent? According to the National Retail Federation's 2004 holiday spending survey, consumers plan to shell out an average of $702.03 during the holidays -- up 4.5 percent from last year. Total holiday spending is estimated to reach $219.9 billion this year.

Young advises setting limits -- but maybe not the kind parents expect.

"Parents often decide they'll spend an equal amount of money or give an equal number of gifts," he says, "but children don't usually have a good grasp of how much things cost. Not until they're 8 or 10 years old. . . . They don't understand the difference between a $50 gift and a $10 gift."

Putnam says some parents worry about disappointing their kids if they don't get them everything they want.

"Talk to your children and let them understand your financial situation," he says. "Let your kids know that cost is an issue, and talk to them about the holidays."

But what about the parents that want -- and can afford -- to give their kids every item on their wish lists?

"Just because you can afford it doesn't mean you should buy it," Putnam says. "This is the time to educate your kids that spending is a choice."

2. Encourage your family to exchange handmade gifts.

Caught up in the frantic pace of the season, parents often forget to remind their children that this is a time to celebrate the people they love and not just a brightly wrapped present.

"Redirect their energy," Young says. "Rather than asking 'What am I going to get?' make it into 'What are we going to give?' "

Gregory, of the Polite Child, says one of the problems with our holiday spending obsession is that most parents do not understand "how good we have it and our kids don't either."

"There's a sense of entitlement we have to overcome," she says. "Kids need to learn that giving doesn't have to be just monetarily. It can also be about time."

One way to do this is by bringing the family together and making homemade gifts, like family videos or tape recordings to send to relatives you won't see during the holidays.

"Those are memories that you will never be able to replace, long after that Xbox game is no longer functioning," Gregory says.

It also gives families a time to enjoy each other during the whirlwind season and keeps the creative juices flowing in the minds of kids.