Have some diet-related foolish fun

0 Comments | Deseret News (Salt Lake City), Apr 1, 2005 | by Jody Genessy Deseret Morning News

In honor of April Fools' Day, here is a list of various ways you can have some good-old-fashioned-weight-loss-related foolish fun:

-- Announce in a diet column that you have lost 125 pounds in the past 28 days without starving yourself, without exercising and for less than $40.

-- Go to your favorite Lane Bryant plus-size-for-women retailer and ask when it's going to create a Blaine Bryant section for men.

-- Buy a pair of pants two sizes too big and wear them around the office without a belt. When they start falling down, complain loudly that you've lost so much weight you can't buy new, smaller clothes quickly enough. (Remember to wear modest undergarments that do fit properly if you attempt to do this.)

-- Visit a fast-food restaurant and order a double cheeseburger with large fries and a large drink. When the cashier asks if you'd like to super-, duper-, king-, biggie- or up-size that order -- you know, because you couldn't have meant what you said in the first place! -- downsize to a simple one-patty burger, a small fry and a small drink just to spite them.

-- Ask the workers at the fast-food restaurant if they can steam- cook the fries for a healthier meal.

-- Tell them to add onions but to hold the human fingers if you order chili.

-- Ask your human-resource coordinator if more nutritious items can be added to the company's cafeteria plan.

-- When you go to the weigh-in station at your local wallet- thinning weight-loss center, kindly ask the weighing technicians if you can weigh them instead of yourself.

-- Scare your favorite dieters by switching their favorite pair of pants with a size smaller and/or by adjusting the scale up so it shows they weigh more.

-- Thrill your favorite dieters by switching their favorite pair of pants with a size larger and/or by adjusting the scale down so it shows they weigh less.

-- Don't show them this column when they become infuriated at discovering it was simply a prank.

-- Pull a fast one at the breakfast table by replacing the Equal with Splenda in the family sugar-substitute bowl.

-- If you're obese, call Southwest Airlines and inquire if they'll only charge you 1 1/2 times the normal price for a seat instead of twice as much per their plump-passenger policy if you promise to suck in during the entire flight.

-- Dress and act like Richard Simmons for the day -- from the short-shorts to the poofy 'do to the Super Dell-like obnoxious behavior.

-- Don't hang around me if you decide to try that one out.

-- Order a Supreme Combo Deluxe Meat-Lovers pizza to be delivered during your Weight Watchers meeting.

-- Wear a "Property of The Atkins Diet Roast-Beef Eating Club" T- shirt to Chuck-A-Rama.

-- Every time you go from the recliner to the fridge call it a lap, and then brag about how many laps you did in one day.

-- Tell the produce guys in your grocery store that you'd appreciate it if they'd start putting nutrition labels on the fruits and vegetables just to see if they're really as healthy as everyone says they are.

-- Instead of doing the Saran Wrap-on-the-toilet-seat trick, cover the inside of the fridge opening with plastic wrap.

-- Buy Jared Fogle a Blimpie sandwich for lunch.

-- Give Jenny Craig a lifetime Weight Watchers membership.

-- Dust off your pedometer, shake it for about 10 minutes, find spouse/friend/co-workers and show them how far you, uh, walked.

-- 'Fess up and inform readers of your diet column that you really only lost 124 pounds in the past 28 days.

Jody Genessy's weight-loss column runs the first Friday of every month. E-mail: jody@desnews.com