Celebrities can't save the dying 'Apprentice'

0 Comments | Deseret News (Salt Lake City), Jan 3, 2008 | by Scott D. Pierce Deseret Morning News

I cannot for a moment even begin to suggest that "The Celebrity Apprentice" is a better show than "Dancing With the Stars," but it does, at least, have one thing going for it.

Truth in advertising.

With rare exceptions, there are no "stars" on "Dancing With the Stars." It's generally a collection of has-beens trying to revive flagging careers and never-weres hoping to have a career in show business.

The dictionary definition of a star is someone who is not only famous but "exceptionally talented" and "outstandingly good."

At best, "Dancing With the Stars" gets a few former stars. The rest of the contestants are, at best, celebrities.

A celebrity is, by definition, someone who is well known. You can be a celebrity without having an ounce of talent. Paris Hilton is a celebrity -- she's not a star.

The same could be said of Donald Trump, the "star" of "The Apprentice." Obviously, the man has made a lot of money, but his abilities on TV are somewhere between "slim" and "none." He has proved that you can ruthlessly self-promote your way to celebrity, but nobody outside the Trump family and NBC would ever call him "exceptionally talented" or "outstandingly good."

And his frequently boorish behavior makes him a celebrity for all the wrong reasons.

That "The Celebrity Apprentice" is even on NBC's schedule speaks volumes about both the network's desperation and the lack of vision among those programming it. Ratings for "The Apprentice" have plummeted through its six previous seasons -- each season doing worse than the one before.

Season 6 ranked 100th overall among programs on all the broadcast networks, and the show had lost almost two-thirds of its viewers since Season 1.

(If you're rating Trump's honesty, you might want to check all the times he has declared -- falsely -- over the past few years that the declining "Apprentice" was No. 1 in the ratings and the top show on TV.)

But one of the first things new NBC Entertainment co-chairman Ben Silverman did upon arriving at the network last May was order another season of this dying -- some would say dead -- franchise. And the Big Plan to revive it was to make it about celebrities!

That's what passes for a good idea at NBC these days. You take a show that was about giving regular people a chance to make it big in business and substitute "celebrities" who are looking for self- promotion.

According to NBC, the celebrity contestants "will be subjected to long hours, grueling mental challenges, personality clashes and intense scrutiny -- all without the help of their regular support system of agents, managers and personal assistants."

Oh, what agony! No personal assistants!

(The winner will get $250,000 to donate to the charity of his/ her choice, which is nice. But not worth the pain of watching the show.)

Here's the list of celebrities on "The Celebrity Apprentice." Some of them are readily recognizable, at least to viewers over the age of 30. Or maybe 40. Or maybe under 20.

Others are unrecognizable, which means they're not only not stars, they're not celebrities.

If you can identify all of them, well, I'm a bit worried about you. But here's the list:

1. Trace Adkins

2. Carol Alt

3. Stephen Baldwin

4. Nadia Comaneci

5. Tiffany Fallon

6. Jennie Finch

7. Nely Galan

8. Marilu Henner

9. Lennox Lewis

10. Omarosa

11. Piers Morgan

12. Tito Ortiz

13. Vincent Pastore

14. Gene Simmons

And here's what makes each of them an, um, celebrity:

1. Country music singer

2. Model/actress

3. Actor/Baldwin brother

4. Romanian Olympic gymnast

5. 2005 Playboy Playmate of the Year

6. Olympic softball player

7. Producer/former president of the Telemundo network

8. Actress, daytime talk-show host

9. Former heavyweight boxing champion

10. Former "Apprentice" contestant, known for being a, um, witch

11. Judge on "America's Got Talent"

12. Ultimate fighting champion

13. Supporting actor in "The Sopranos"

14. Member of rock group KISS; reality TV star.

If you got 10 or more right, again, I'm a little bit worried about you. And, in the spirit of full disclosure, I got nine.

E-mail: pierce@desnews.com