Kids' partying is disrespectful

Deseret News (Salt Lake City), Feb 4, 2008 by Jeanne Phillips

Dear Abby: I married a man with two adult children. When I met him, "Jerry" was a single father whose ex-wife had died soon after their divorce.

I have two small children who live with us. Jerry has been a wonderful husband and stepfather. When we married years ago, we both owned our own homes. We jointly decided to rent mine and live in his.

Whenever we go away on a vacation, his children use our home without asking. There have been parties, complaints from neighbors, our house left in disarray, and "friends" I don't know sleeping in my children's beds. In the past, Jerry tolerated this behavior.

Now that my children and I live here, I asked my husband to talk to his children about this. He did, and things have toned down, but they haven't stopped.

It bothers me that they use our home when we're not here. I feel it's an invasion of privacy, lack of respect and a risk. Jerry feels it's their home, too, and he's reluctant to be firm with them. I don't think they or their friends should be here when we're gone. Am I out of line? --Home Invasion In California

Dear Home Invasion: No, I agree with you. Circumstances have changed since your husband's children lived there, and your feelings need to be considered.

It is no longer "their" house. Throwing wild parties, inviting strangers to use the beds and leaving the place in disarray is disrespectful to both you and their father and should not be tolerated. Your husband's reluctance to make this clear may have to do with lingering guilt over his divorce from their mother, but it's time for him to step up, do what's right and draw the line.

Dear Abby: My family is protesting a request I have made regarding the birth of my first child. I would prefer that my husband and I be alone with our newborn for at least the first 24 hours after the baby is born. I would like to contact my family the day after to invite them to the hospital.

Both our families can be very loud, as I witnessed firsthand last week when my sister-in-law had her first child. There were at least 20 relatives in her room after her C-section. It became so loud at one point that the nurse had to ask everyone to either leave the room or keep their voices at a moderate level.

I also saw how overbearing my mother was with my sister when she had her son several years ago. Mom says I'm "taking this experience away" from her, but I don't think it's her experience. It's my husband's and my experience. I truly feel it will be more peaceful if it's just my husband, me and our baby that first day. My husband has agreed to go along with whatever I request, but I know he'd prefer his family be present. Your thoughts, please? --No Visitors in Louisiana

Dear No Visitors: Your reasons for wanting peace, quiet, rest and time to recuperate are valid, and you should communicate them to your obstetrician and the nurses at the maternity ward -- just in case news of your labor and delivery "slips out" prematurely. While I understand your husband's wish to have his family present, unless he's willing to undergo the procedure in your place, he should not only respect your wishes but make sure they are carried out.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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