Up at 4 a.m. - and free Egg McMuffin

0 Comments | Gazette, The (Colorado Springs), Jan 14, 2001 | by Rich Tosches

The U.S. Army has changed its slogan to "An Army of One." This targets young people, hopefully convincing them that with the Army's technology and training they can rob a fast-food restaurant entirely on their own.

Until now, robbing a McDonald's restaurant has typically taken seven soldiers: one to hold the gun and six to write the threatening note.

(Footnote: I realize I will now receive lots of angry e-mails and phone calls from U.S. Army personnel. Let me assure you, I'm not making fun of our fine Army - just anyone who would risk 50 years in Leavenworth to roll Ronald McDonald.)

Anyway, "An Army of One" replaces the long-standing slogan "Be All You Can Be." Other slogans given strong consideration by top Army brass were:

"The Pay Sucks. The Wardrobe is Ridiculous. But at Least You Get to March With 100-Pound Packs!"

"Bayonets: NOW You're Talking Body-Piercing!"

"Our Tanks Are Rated No. 1 in Rollover Tests."

"Three Years and You're Out, Just Like 7th Grade in West Virginia."

On a related note, the Air Force says it won't change its slogan - "Aim High" - which remains very popular among nearly all Air Force personnel. The exception, of course, are the Air Force Academy lab workers holding cadets' urine specimen cups.

Along with the slogan, the Army has produced slick new TV commercials to air during the popular sitcom "Friends."

In one commercial, Pvt. Phoebe believes "latrine" is a French word meaning "the train." (You should see the look on her face when she jumps aboard.)

Another shows Lt. Monica in the mess hall nibbling on a piece of unbuttered toast as Col. Chandler and Pvt. Joey hang their laundry from her cheekbones.

We're going to end up with an Army of whiny, self-centered, lost souls with too much hair gel.

The commercials will air during other hip TV shows including "The Simpsons," which is a very funny show.

Geez, if the Army is recruiting the typical viewer of "The Simpsons," well, someone better start training Ronald in the use of pepper spray.

And when they're hiring for the night drive-up window, they better get someone who's not afraid of our Army. I'd suggest Saddam Hussein or Ho Chi Minh.

Seriously, the actual commercial shows a lone soldier running across the desert. It appears he is being chased by a hungry coyote. Launched from a huge slingshot. (Although I may be confusing it with my favorite cartoon.)

Anyway, as this lone soldier runs, a squad of soldiers runs past him in the other direction.

But the soldier, covered in sweat and with a fierce look of determination on his face, continues his solitary run - which tells us that he is strong. Fit. Determined. An Army of One.

Either that, or he desperately has to catch "the train."