Row, row, row they won't - so we called the queen

Gazette, The (Colorado Springs), Sep 11, 2001 by Jim Bainbridge

The Queen of England has been invited to preside over the ribbon- cutting at an Oxfordshire swimming pool because two Olympic rowers proved too expensive. The Queen is at the top of a list of "alternative celebrities" drawn up by Thame town council, after it discovered Sir Steve Redgrave - a gold medalist in a record five consecutive Olympiads - and Matthew Pinsent wanted just over $30,000 to perform the honors, councillors told Reuters.

THEY REPORTEDLY KNEW EACH OTHER IN COLLEGE: The way Bob Hille of The Sporting News has it figured, the tabloids' dream finish to the Danny Almonte story has him not only admitting he's 14, but that "he knows where Chandra Levy is too."

SUCH AN IMPIOUS ACT FOR A CARDINAL: When Arizona Cardinal offensive tackle L.J. Shelton returned to practice for the first time after a minor auto accident he found that his helmet had been customized so that the Cardinal logos on the sides had been replaced by black-and-yellow emblems worn by crash-test dummies. "I'm going to get them back," Shelton told the Arizona Republic. "I've narrowed it down to about 60 guys."

HE DOESN'T WANT TO SPAWN A NEW BIDDING WAR: Comic-book mogul Todd McFarlane has nothing against Barry Bonds personally, it's just that he paid $2.7 million for Mark McGwire's 70th home-run ball: "As a fan, I will be with Bonds and Sammy Sosa up to 69 home runs," McFarlane told Fox Sports Net, "but when everybody else stands up, I will just take my seat and say my prayers."

KEEPING AN EYE ON YOUR PRIORITIES: Baltimore Raven owner Art Modell told the Associated Press he isn't too concerned about the lockout of NFL game officials: "It's not going to be a disaster. We're prepared. Now, if we lose our beer vendors, then you've got a problem."

AND IF WE COULD GET THE EYES TO ROLL BACK UP INTO THE SOCKETS . . .: Boston is the only big league team not to have had a bobblehead doll promotion and the way Bill Scheft of ESPN sees it, "the problem with the bobblehead doll is that the nodding is a little too optimistic for Red Sox fans. Now, it they could just get the head to shake from side to side . . ."

WHY PIGEON RACING WILL NEVER BE A MAJOR SPORT: A Dutch pigeon has been disqualified from a race because its margin of victory "was inexplicably large and intolerable," 200 minutes faster than the second place pigeon. Judges admit they do not suspect fowl play but can't explain the bird's speed, telling Reuters that its velocity on the 400-mile race from Tours, France to Kerkdriel, Holland "was impossible."

PLANS FOR LUGE CHANNEL PUT ON HOLD: Headline in the online Ironic Times - "Ping-Pong Channel Calls It Quits . . . Failure blamed on sluggish sales of wide-screen TVs."

THE HUMAN TELEPROMPTERS: Bill Scheft of ESPN The Magazine heard that Allen Iverson's marriage to his high school sweetheart was a "lovely ceremony. They wrote their own vows. On each other."

AND FINALLY: Scott Ostler in the San Francisco Chronicle on Karl (Mailman) Malone joining the monster-truck racing circuit: "This just in: 'Mailman wins his first race! His opponent was leading until just before the finish line, when he collided with a small pickup truck driven by John Stockton.'"

- Culled from the international news wires, cyberspace and the corner coffee shop