Are you a birdbrain?/ Learn how to handle our fine feathered friend

Gazette, The (Colorado Springs), Nov 20, 2002 by Cathy Thomas

Sometimes the path to culinary perfection is cluttered with booby traps - especially on Thanksgiving, when calamities seem to reach their annual peak.

You might assume that most holiday horror stories strike the homes of occasional cooks, those oh-so-naive novices who stumble to the stove only when overcome by seasonal spirit. But over the years, I've heard lots of troubled tales from veteran cooks and neophytes alike. They've shared stories of holiday mishaps, most of which center around that glorious gobbler, the traditional roast turkey.

They're innocent blunders.

Consider: Teresa, bless her little wine-drinking heart, wasn't afraid to make one ittybitty substitution. Perusing the stuffing ingredients, she thought chicken broth sounded a little drab. The red wine filling the glass gripped in her right hand might be much more interesting.

Interesting, indeed. That vino rosso turned the turkey a shocking pink, with alarming magenta "white" meat and a slightly more subtle rose-tinged "dark."

Or Hank, the reader who wrestled a gargantuan 30-pound bird into his oven. Stuffed, trussed and oiled, the turkey roasted to Norman Rockwell perfection. Yes, it looked picture perfect, but it didn't smell quite right. It reeked of melted plastic from the giblet package that had been left in the neck cavity.

That stench worked its way into every morsel of meat. Even his gluttonous cat wouldn't eat it.

Or Lizzie's famous feel-good gravy that was superenriched. The roast turkey rested on the carving board while the kitchen bubbled with last-minute activity. As she struggled with the final gravy step, a helper reached for the salt on the shelf above the stove. But instead of salt, a loose-lidded bottle of vitamin B-12 pills tumbled into the gravy.

Lizzie said that gravy really helped her grandma's memory. And she swears the conversation at dinner that Thanksgiving was one of the most lucid her family has ever had.

Anyone who has ever fowled up a holiday meal can testify: Culinary blunders become fodder for told-atthe-table family legends. Year after year, decade after decade.

So here's a quiz, designed to help you brush up on your skills before you hit the trenches, along with a few "turkey trivia" facts to add to your dinner-table tte--tte.

TAKE THIS TURKEY QUIZ AND FIND OUT

1. Thawing turkey at room temperature is not recommended. Thawed turkey may be kept in the refrigerator up to four days before cooking. The best way to defrost a frozen turkey is:

A. Thaw in refrigerator, in unopened wrapper, breast-side up, allowing one day for every 4 pounds of turkey.

B. Thaw in unopened wrapper breast-side down, in cold water to cover (change water every 30 minutes to keep surface cold), allowing 30 minutes per pound of turkey.

C. Ten minutes in the whirlpool spa should do the trick.

D. A or B

2. So, can turkeys fly?

A. Domesticated turkeys (those raised on turkey farms) can fly at speeds equivalent to a wild goose.

B. Domesticated turkeys cannot fly, but wild turkeys can fly for short distances up to 55 miles per hour.

C. They can only fly if they have enough frequent-flyer miles.

3. Before you put the turkey in a roasting pan, be sure to:

A. Remove large dinner rings, roll up sleeves and heat oven.

B. Remove original plastic wrapper from thawed or fresh turkey. Remove neck and giblets from body and neck cavities, drain juices and blot turkey dry with paper towels.

C. Wearing rubber gloves and raincoat, line kitchen floor with absorbent paper.

4. If stuffing turkey, always:

A. Stuff just before roasting.

B. Use your mom's recipe.

C. Forget, please, about adding shellfish; most folks hate it in dressing.

5. Use only cooked ingredients in stuffing (saute vegetables, use cooked meats and/or seafood and use pasteurized egg products instead of raw eggs). Do not stuff turkey the night before roasting. How much stuffing will you need? Allow:

A. About 2 cups of stuffing per pound of turkey.

B. 1/2 cup to 3/4 cup of stuffing per pound of turkey; do not stuff turkey tightly.

C. Enough dressing so you can stuff it until it seems full, then press down firmly with rubber spatula and pack in more stuffing until cavity swells to the size of prize-winning watermelon.

6. Start checking for doneness a half-hour before recommended end times. Turkey is done when meat thermometer reaches the following temperature:

A. 180 degrees deep in thigh.

B. 160 degrees in center of stuffing.

C. Temperatures, schmemperatures . . . when hungry family members storm the kitchen.

D. A or B

7. If using an oven-safe thermometer, insert before roasting and leave in while roasting. If you're using an "instant read" thermometer, do not leave in turkey during roasting. So, where does that thermometer go?

A. If turkey is stuffed, the tip of the thermometer should be placed inside the stuffed cavity.

B. If turkey is unstuffed, the tip of the thermometer should be placed in thigh muscle, just above and beyond the lower part of the thigh bone, pointing toward body.